Monday, December 19, 2005
(No Longer) Wanted
Monday Lite usually means I spend about half or less of my regular time allotment on a blog post in the wake of what usually is a Sunday night masterpiece.
The non-masterpiece status of last nights post in conjunction with the dire and desperately needed public service I am about to provide all of you has compelled me to work nearly twice as long putting together the bulk of today's blogpost content. We're talking almost double digits in terms of minutes used. Don't thank me yet.
First, be terrified:
US freeing Saddam's "Dr Germ" and "Mrs Anthrax"
They're just letting them go. People with names like that, "Dr. Germ" and "Mrs. Anthrax". Now granted, not everyone can control what their name is. Brian and Marybeth Festering-Pustule are fine neighbors, if a little lax with where they let their dogs do their business.
But these people, this "Germ" and this "Anthrax" got their names by reputation. Now they'll be out running around on the streets germ-ing and anthrax-ing all over the place.
You, citizens, should be wary of these two. Avoid them at all costs. They are presumed armed and sickly. I have combed through the evidence and put together this composite sketch.
On the left is Dr. Germ and on the right is Mrs. Anthrax. In case you weren't sure.
Dr. Germ has no feet not because I ran out of room on my MS Paint screen but because my best information tells me he was rendered foot-less while experimenting with a killer strain of gout. Hoisted on his own petard on that one. You plays with fire, you gets burned, even if your name is Dr. Germ.
The good news is that you actually have to run directly in to him in order to risk exposure. His business is germs; less so chasing.
Mrs. Anthrax is a whole different kettle of fish. You can see she seems to be flying; this is her at her most dangerous: weaponized and airborne.
She has a ring on her left ring finger and is called "Mrs." Anthrax, but there is no mister back home. She is married only to mayhem. And the destruction of all things American. That's right, on top of everything else, she's a bigamist.
The symbol on her flowing gray angel-of-death robes looks like the "anarchy" sign, but don't be fooled. That's just to lure the Goth kids in closer.
If you should see either of these people, for God's sake take a picture and send it to me. It will mean that my blog has inspired someone to make ridiculous costumes and then wander into public view. Then I will KNOW I have made it.
You have been warned. God keep you safe. Our God I mean, not theirs. Their God wants you to get anthrax.
This post on the Narcissus Scale: 0.4