Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Shooting Boots
I don't have a lot of trouble motivating myself when it comes to hating foreigners. I'm an American. Our geographic position isolated from the whole rest of the world leads to a general suspicion of outsiders. If any other country besides Mexico and Canada want a piece of this, they're going to have to travel across an ocean to try and kick our asses. I said try. These colors don't run. Love it or leave it. Don't tread on me. E pluribus unum. Pimps up, hos down.

What I'm saying is when it comes to irrational fearing of the Other, I'm something of a self-starter. I don't need any help from anybody else to tell me that everyone from every other country is jealous of us and wants to take what we have, probably by immigrating here illegally and then not speaking English. Or by an unprovoked massive nuclear strike. They're all sneaky that way.

I certainly don't need any help from global sport governing organizations to tell me who to hate and why. Not even FIFA and their World Cup. They had the team group draw this past Friday, slotting countries into eight four-nation groups for the group qualifying stage to start next June in Germany. The USA was one of those countries.

First of all, I'm a little suspicious of this whole enterprise. I like soccer, but an international tournament? I'm not really comfortable risking America's international reputation to compete against other countries in a sport we didn't invent. I would prefer it if--internationally speaking--we stick to sports that only we play and thus guarantee victory, like in baseball basketball football. And not soccer football either, I mean football football. You know, the one we play here where you don't actually use your feet.

Secondly, this "FIFA" outfit? Foreign. So you know it's already fixed with crazed anti-American non-English-speaking jealous people.

That's why we got stuck in the hardest group in the whole tournament with Italy, Czech Republic and Ghana. Italy is a perennial power, the Czech Republic is currently the #2 ranked team in the world and Ghana is... in Africa, I think.

Now I'm supposed to--on the orders of these FIFA people--hate these countries for soccer-specific reasons, each on their day when we play them during the group stage in June.

Thanks FIFA, but I don't need your flimsy soccer excuse to hate the foreign man. I can find plenty to despise about each of them without prompting.

Italy: Charter member, first Axis of Evil. Inventors of fascism, only to get kicked out of the band by Germany, which makes them the Pete Best of totalitarianism. One of only three countries shaped like footwear (along with Clogistan and Sandalvania). Did not invent pasta. Chief exports: Olive Garden, the Mafia.

Czech Republic: Cannot spell their own first name. Even though they've been broken up for like 10 years, won't shut up about goddamn Slovakia. World's Least Interesting Flag Competition Winner, six years running. Prague is a attention-hungry publicity whore that has stood in for every European city in every movie made since the fall of the Iron Curtain; the city appears on more total feet of film than Jenna Jameson's labia. Chief exports: oppression, James Bond villains.

Ghana: Is... um... in Africa. Ah! Has a city called "Tamale". Used to be called "Gold Coast", but changed it's name, presumably because they were uncomfortable having their country share its name with so many gay bars. Sort of rhymes with "Goner". Chief exports: hunger, Freddy Adu.

So there you have it, FIFA, you pushy foreign bastards. I hate who I want, when I want, how I want. I'll watch your "World Cup", but on my terms. Like an American.

Well, not exactly like an American because, like I said, I'll be watching it.

By the way, does anyone know a derogatory word that rhymes with "Italy"? The best I can come up with so far is "bitterly", but that's not very good. Let me know.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 4.7



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