Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Mrs. Pops is back to work today, so that's one down. Now when I get my boy back to school tomorrow, you will all once again have my complete attention.

I know you're probably thinking: "But Pops, don't you have two other kids?," the obvious answer to which is "Um... yeah, that sounds right."

But kids I can ignore. Look, I'm doing it right now!

Mrs. Pops, on the other hand, has the singular capacity to make my life a living hell and may well choose to move to Defcon One should she ever be given the impression that I love you, my loyal and devoted Bucketeers, more than I love her.

Of course there's no way I could love you more than I love her. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but there are things a wife can do that no blog-reader ever could. Also: she reads this sometimes. Hi sweetie!

It's also true that there are things I get from my blog readers that I do not/cannot get from my wife. It's a volume business that no one woman can replicate, even if I only mostly get abuse from you people. Abuse is still about me.

It is possible that I could get certain things from certain willing segments of my readership that I also get from my wife, but I promised myself I wouldn't have sex with random people I meet over the internet. It's been two days since I made myself that promise; a resolution of sorts. So far so good. IM hot-chat doesn't count, right?

I kid. As some of you may or may not have figured out by now, privacy and anonymity are two things I prize in my blog life. I'm still sort of horrified that I let all of you know that my real name is not "Pops" but actually Korvath Ganymede MacLeish Horrington III. But it's out there and there's no taking it back.

Past that one blunder, however, I'm very careful. There are several benefits to maintaining a modicum of distance from the blog-reading public at large. For starters, it's harder for people to set fire to your house in reponse to something you said if they don't know where your house is. Also, paternity suits are harder to successfully file if all they have to identify you by is a kid full of matching DNA and a lame pseudonym to try and match it with. If the state ever catches up with that Heywood Jablome, there's going to be hell to pay. Mostly in the form of back child support.

With an eye toward all things security-related, I figure it is time once again to impart some of my advanced blogger wisdom to my new blogging colleagues, this time emphasizing less style or content and more on how to protect oneself from the ravenous masses of blog readers. They're all young, hot and dying to rip your clothes off should you give them the slightest inkling of your name, face or location. No fatties.

So You Want To Be A Blogger

Lesson #3

(please follow the links to Lesson #1 and Lesson #2)

1) The ship might have sailed on this one already, but it's still important to say: always blog anonymously. I know, you want the world to know you and to associate your totally hot face and body with your equally irresistible writing. Why else would you blog, right?

That kind of public sharing has a definite shelf-life. Unless you're blogging your testimony of your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, which provides you with the double benefits of a) apparently never running out of words to write about this one single topic and b) not ever having to worry about carrying or satisfying readers because nobody you don't know will ever read your blog, then you should consider anonymity.

Unless you hate your parents. Then you can go ahead and write about your trip to student health to take care of the genital warts you got from hot-tub sex at a frat party from somebody whose name you can't remember with absolute impunity.

If you don't hate your parents and something like this may come up, anonymity is the way to go.

2) Text alters the context and meaning of words. So you don't have to get HPV from random hookups. You can write a vague frustration about "going home" and how difficult it can sometimes be. Your mom will decide--if she happens to see it in print and broadcast for all the world to see--that you were talking about her and that you've never loved her. It doesn't matter what you actually meant or whom (if anyone) you were actually talking about. You don't have to believe me. Just see what kind of Christmas presents you get after that.

This is only a problem if your name is Joe Smith and you blog under the name "Joe Smith" with your smiling face in the "About Me" section. If you blog under the name "DeathCabLovr6969" and put a picture of Cartman from South Park in place of your actual face, you can go ahead and say that you hate your mom and you never loved her and no one will be the wiser.

These are just two things to consider. The ramifications of blogging under your own name can be dire. People get fired for it all the time these days. And don't forget about that girl who blogged under her own name and then was stalked and MURDERED!

OK, that hasn't happened. Yet. But it probably will. Would you like to be the first? As with all of the advice I have ever given in blog-form, your life depends on following it to the letter.

Besides, aliases are fun. Develop a backstory, work up a profile you would like to present instead of your stupid boring regular self, stay consistent. For instance, whenever anyone asks for a picture, I always send them this one:

Image hosted by Photobucket.comMaybe it's me, maybe it isn't. That's not the point. What does it say about "me"?

It says exactly what I want it to say: loves dogs, surfs, drives an American car, sensitive to glare, from the future where common everyday clothing fibers are a thing of the past. As is body shame.

Which part is real? Which is fake? Only me and Steve Guttenberg know for sure. But none of the offenses are fire-able. Or legally actionable.

All I know is it makes the ladies crazy.

Welcome. And good luck.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 5.0



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