Monday, January 23, 2006
Monday Regular: Never Play Cards With A Guy Who Has The Same First Name As A City
I talk about sports on this blog from time to time, but not that often. This lack of blog-interest (relative to the rest of the volume of post topics I've used) does not reflect my actual real-life interest. I watch a lot of sports. It's what American men do on weekends to avoid awkward conversations with their wives about who smeared what all over the bathroom walls again.

You'll notice, though, that in the rare occasions I have talked about sports, I have never once talked about basketball. This is because I don't like basketball. And it's not like I hate it so much that it deserves my ridicule and public scorn (like, say, NASCAR) it's just that it hardly registers in my consciousness at all. In many ways it's just like... that other thing... God, what is it... um... man, I always forget... bah... whatever.

At the risk of alienating many of my readers, I'm going to come straight out and say that the reason I don't give a shit about basketball is purely racially motivated.

For years now the game has been increasingly dominated by a grasping, suspicious people we should always keep an eye on and never ride alone in elevators with.

Of course I'm talking about foreigners. NBA and college players come from all over the world now, and not just the good countries either. Crazy places like China and Argentina and "Croatia" and even France. Can you believe it? France is producing NBA players.

And most of these foreigners don't even have the common courtesy to be black. They're all, like, white or Asian or whatever. Who the fuck do these people think they are coming over here to my country and undermining our hard-earned ethno-biological stereotypes about race by being a) excellent at basketball and b) not black?

Not only are our bullshit preconceptions being threatened, but just to twist the knife, they're taking jobs away from African-Americans. Yet another way Whitey has found to stick it to the black man. Larry Bird retires and Mr. Big has to go outside to find him a Manu Ginobili or a Yao Ming in order to dominate a brother. That's why I don't trust the Blue-Eyed Devil and neither should you.

The only reason I bring basketball up at all is because last night something happened that got my attention. LA Lakers non-rapist guard Kobe Bryant scored 81 points in one game vs. the Toronto Raptors.


That's the second highest total in a single game in NBA history.

That's an amazing accomplishment.

I have a question, though: how much does the rest of your team have to suck ass in order for you to score 81 points in a game? You know some of those stiffs were open, too.

I keep thinking--as I do in most situations as it is generally applicable--about the movie Teen Wolf. In that movie, a werewolf Michael J. Fox (least scary movie werewolf ever, by the way) uses his superhuman wolf-powers to (predictably) excel at basketball. It's only logical because when I think "canine" I immediately think "basketball." At least I know that was the thinking behind Air Bud.

In this case specifically, remember in Teen Wolf when Teen Wolf is single-handedly winning games and his fat teammate just kind of wanders up and down the floor while eating? That sums up the Lakers of the Kobe Bryant era. You know Kobe ain't gonna pass. Might as well get a hot dog in between time-outs.

I just hope, for his sake, Kobe is made to understand the importance of teamwork and the value of "just being yourself" before the big game at the very end of the movie season.

The existential question of the day--guaranteed to blow your minds if not several other parts of your anatomy--is: what do you turn back in to if you're already yourself? Think about that.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 6.3



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