Sunday, February 19, 2006
Falling Apart To Half-Time
For whatever reason, the part of my post last Friday that got the most interest in the comments section was my mention of the band Fall Out Boy. Once again you people astound me. I mean, here I went out of my way to implicitly equate Michelle Malkin with cancer and the only thing you want to know about is the latest Tiger Beat cover band. I guess I found the level of the room. And the depth of the (non-)appeal of Michelle Malkin. For that I applaud you.

Because my first and best gift is Beating Ideas/Objects Of Minor Interest To Rhetorical Death In The Desperate Search For Comedy,* I offer you, my beloved Bucketeers, some further information so that you might expand your knowledge of the band. Here, I found this picture:

Image hosting by PhotobucketNow, since I know nothing more about this band than the fact that they have this song I like, I can't actually offer you any more information to put this picture into any knowable context. I don't know any of the band members' names or what it is they do. Look, I've only got time to maintain one gushy fansite.

Looking at the picture, though, I can make some educated guesses. First of all, I'd say 3/4 of these men made the right choice going in to rock-n'-roll because they were going to have SERIOUS trouble getting laid if they worked, say, in retail or as office temps. Mutton-chop chin-strap facial hair is only going to get you so far and even then only in a very limited set of social circumstances (for instance with girls who are both excited to be backstage AND all fucked up on X).

Second of all, when trying to identify who the Lead Singer is, I find it's always a safe bet to go with the guy who's wearing the most eye-liner. I mean, why even bother wearing eye-liner if you're, say, the bass player? Nobody looks at the goddamn bass player anyway. Unless you're Bootsy Collins. But you know what? None of these boys is Bootsy Collins. That's not a shot at them really because who else is Bootsy but Bootsy, am I right? I'm right.

The problem with guessing the eye-liner Captain Raccoon in this picture as the lead singer is that he also happens to be wearing a shirt emblazoned with an airbrushed picture of a unicorn on it. Lead singers don't wear t-shirts with airbrushed unicorns on them. You know who wears t-shirts with airbrushed unicorns on them? Pedophiles.

Don't act all shocked; you were thinking it too. Of course I'm not saying that the categories of "singer" and "pedophile" are mutually exclusive as we know that this is not always the case.

For the most part, though, a lead singer will usually wear a worn-out tour shirt from some obscure band nobody ever heard of OR a worn-out t-shirt advertising alcohol. Of course REAL artists might wear something more sophisticated, but this is something a musician earns after they've nailed all the groupies they're going to nail and now just want something that camouflages the growing paunch hard-earned by a life of licentiousness, gluttony and hard living.

Of course Fall Out Boy can't say they're there yet. Having just the one song out that I like does not make a career. If that were the case, Morris Day & the Time would be in much better shape today.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 8.3


* = my second best gift? D├ęcoupage.


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