Sunday, February 12, 2006
Keith Olbermann Not Included In This Post
You know, days and weeks and months can go by without anything interesting happening worth blogging about. Sure, every so often I have to get new shoes or a haircut, but not every day.

And then there are days where the skies part and the angels with gossamer wings hand-deliver a new and more marketable gospel in the form of, say, Dick Cheney shooting someone in the face with a shotgun. Today is just such a day.

The official explanation is that the VP shot the man "on accident." Plausible I guess, but knowing Dick like I do (few people are better acquainted with Dick than I am), I don't completely buy it. Some other likely explanations as to why and how Mr. Cheney shot this man:

a) refused to sign loyalty oath
b) mentioned Iraq without first citing 9/11
c) to show definitively that someone can survive a gunshot without expensive body-armor
d) as a demonstration for critics who often cite Cheney's lack of "combat experience"
e) standard operating procedure toward those who ask too many questions about the "undisclosed location"
f) to demonstrate the "full power of the Dark Side" after finger-lightning failed
g) just to watch him die

Now I know I kind of built this news-item up in terms of its blog-inspiration quotient and the above was, sadly, the best I could do with it. But then I would refer you all to the little tagline below my banner blog-title picture and then invite those who are dissatisfied to bite me. And I mean that in the most collegial way possible.


Lovely and talented Bucketeer Rita said in comments on Friday's post: "I have seen A Fish Called Wanda, and did not think it worthy of a top-5 list, and I therefore have reason to doubt all your previous and future film analyses."

With my bona fides thus established, I would like to now take a moment to offer you all some acual reviews of films I have actually seen over the last several months.

I would also like to point out that Rita cited Father of the Bride with Steve Martin (the first one) as one of the best films she's ever seen. I leave it to the rest of you to decide which one of us likes movies that are stupid.

Anyway, on with my reviews. These past three months have been the most prolific movie-going period of my life in nearly 7 years, so I feel compelled to share. Plus I didn't get nearly as much as I wanted to out of that Cheney thing, so I need to fill space. Please feel free to substitute my judgment for your own when deciding whether or not to see any of these films in the future.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: It scores 100% on my list of Movie Quality Necessities as it includes both wizards and dragons. A little bit of a downgrade for my uncomfortableness with the burgeoning hotness of Emma Watson. If you like films with broomsticks and murder, this is the movie for you. One word review: Wizardy!

Munich: Just thinking about it makes me sleepy. Bunch of Israelis killing people in cold blood, but at least they feel bad about it; I know because they WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW BAD THEY FEEL ABOUT IT. Plus points for Daniel Craig's South African accent, which--no matter how accurately depicted--has consistently made me laugh inappropriately since Cry Freedom. A little bit of a downgrade for my uncomfortableness with the very ripe hotness of Eric Bana. If you like intolerable hand-wringing, explosions and the un-hottest sex scene ever, this is the movie for you. One word review: Jewy!

The New World: If you cut out all the scenes that included NO DIALOGUE, this movie would be about 8 minutes long. All the rest of it is monologue voice-overs, lingering nature-shots, snippets of impressionistic montages weirdly edited and Colin Farrell looking very sad. But you know what? Somehow it fucking works. I don't say this word very often, but this film? Lovely. A little bit of a downgrade for the distractingly suggestive (though I would like to emphasize the word suggestive and point out that it is not actually anywhere near explicit) cuddly tender love scenes between Colin Farrell's John Smith and Q'Orianka Kilcher who a) was NOT named Pocahontas, apparently and b) was FOURTEEN YEARS OLD WHEN IT WAS FILMED. If you like historical pederasty and long, still shots of swamp reeds, this is the movie for you. One word review: Naturey!

Good Night, and Good Luck: George Clooney hearts Edward R. Murrow. Look, he even made a movie all about Murrow where 95% of Murrow's dialogue is actor David Strathairn reading DIRECTLY from transcripts of broadcasts; thus, only slightly more original dialogue in it than The New World. But David Strathairn is really really good as Murrow in this one. It's all black-and-white and kind of draggy in parts, which means if you're in college, you can take a date to it and they will think you're all arty and intellectual. Or they may think you're 70 years old. One or the other. If you like people who like commies, this is the movie for you. One word review: Clooney!

So that's it. I don't know when the next time I will be able to sneak out will be. Odds are that I'm going to have to drag one or more of my kids with me and the movie I see will feature a computer-rendered teapot telling me to respect other people and that it's OK just to be myself. Which isn't all bad, because sometimes you just need to hear that.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 7.9



Powered by Blogger