Friday, February 24, 2006
The Luckiest People In The World
A few months ago I made the cogent-yet-hilarious observation that January was a total wasteland for movies where studios burn off the films they don't care about after Oscar eligibility runs out.

It sounded sort of "funny-because-it's-true!" at the time, but I'm starting to re-think it. It's possible that February dwarfs January entirely in the realm of total movie suckdom. I'm thinking January was just the thin edge of the Zero Entertainment Wedge, lulling us into a false sense of benign apathy with crap like Big Momma's House 2 so that they could BLAM! hit us with truly shocking, personally offensive knock-off shit-sculptures like Madea's Family Reunion. I mean come on, that's just Big Momma's House without the appeal of Martin Lawrence. It's got the most ironical tagline ever, too: "Learn Dignity. Demand Respect." This from a movie about a guy in drag who sings NO SHOWTUNES. If you're a gender-stable man and you don't even TRY to do Streisand singing "People," you have no business in a dress. Drag is a serious business and I won't have people disrespecting our their art in this manner.

Also this week: Ultraviolet, Running Scared, Doogal. How are we not all dead? Or maybe we are and this is hell. I don't know.

I do know that it's awesome to be an American; my version of hell is nothing good on at the movies. Because I understand suffering.

So since I'm too disgusted to discuss movies, I want to mention something only slightly less disturbing, this United Arab Emirates/port control scandal/crisis/news-cycle-feeder thing. The president has decided to amuse himself by listening to what someone else thinks for once. You know, just to try it out, maybe for a giggle or two before he unilaterally does whatever he wants (again).

Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is. Arabs in charge of American points of entry. Big deal. Did you hear what the Saudis do to people who threaten them? Shot AND blown up. That's what I call efficient. Just because somebody's an Arab doesn't mean that they a) can't fuck people up when they need fucking up and b) don't like money. They're just as prone to reactive, obliteratory violence in order to keep the cash cow alive as any other subset of humanity. So they could handle this port thing so long as the income stream remains constant; or so long as they aren't suddenly overcome with self-immalatory religious zeal (you gotta watch Arabs for that); or so long as they don't get sort of bored. Port work is just, like, watching a bunch of boxes come on. Sometimes you might want to see one of them explode just to break up the monotony.

I'm less worried about Arab port people than I am with the people in this country in charge of figuring out how much stuff should cost. See, after those guys tried to blow up that refinery in Saudi Arabia, stocks slipped and the price of oil shot up. And this is after (according to all current reports) the facility was completely undamaged and production was unaffected. Look, I have a degree in a humanities discipline. I wouldn't even use the word "discipline" to describe it; it's just some stuff I did in between naps when I was in college. What I'm saying is I don't do basic math, let alone economic theory or market analysis. But this kind of seems like (and forgive the technical jargon) complete and utter horse-shit. The enemy isn't Arabs, at least not on a day-to-day basis. The enemy are these big fucking babies who trade in oil futures. What's the point of having security if when it WORKS and everything flows normally, you still get price hikes?

The only conclusion I can reach is that they hate me personally.

That's all I have for today. I'm having a "nothing makes any sense anymore" days. I haven't been this confused about life since Friends went off the air. I've got a long afternoon ahead of me curling up in a ball in my fall-out shelter and sobbing myself to sleep.

You're all invited, by the way.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 8.8



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