Thursday, February 16, 2006
Thursday. Thursday! THUUURS-DAAAAY!
Back just a little over a year or so ago, this blog was largely politically motivated. You remember the election of 2004, don't you? I don't. Know why I don't? Drugs. They're brilliant and magical and make you forget things that hurt you. They also make you forget things that you want to remember, but memory-deletion is an inexact art and you have to expect things like that. For instance: did you know I have three kids? Turns out that I do. I think. Unless I agreed to babysit someone else's kid(s) recently and then forgot to return them. I don't know, they all look kind of similar, so either they're all mine or they're all someone else's. It's hard to say for sure. All I know for sure right now is that they are less fun than heroin.

Anyway, it's remarkable the way this blog has become a repository for anything but politics. If you're looking about information about peaches or Steve Martin or Cap'n Crunch or even Bumbles, this is the place for you. One stop shopping for all things lame-pop-culture and/or fruit related. If I could only get a celebrity to do something heinous with a piece of fruit I could give up the drugs altogether. Something crazy like Robert Blake killing someone with a pomegranate or Tommy Lee performing a sex act on a honeydew or Sheryl Crow eating... well, anything. Seriously, have you seen her lately? I haven't. Know why? Because she's invisible. She's no longer of large enough size to register in the visual spectrum of humans. She's emaciated herself right into ultraviolet. In concerts now the lighting has to be 100% black-light just so people can see her, but then tragically nobody does because they're too busy giggling at how their white socks are all glowy. People are like that around black-light.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, politics. See, in late 2004 (roughly the first six months of this blog's life) I would have been all over the Dick Cheney interview on Fox News, his first since he shot that guy in the face. Then I would have come back here and written a pithy and astute deconstruction of said interview ending with a mock recreation where I have Cheney endorsing shooting-people-in-the-face as a patriotic act of pre-emptive self-defense ("It's not like the other guy didn't also have a gun. Let's not be pussies about this"). It occurs to me that I also would have probably found a completely inappropriate way to reference bukkake, now that I think about it. Which is why it's better that I don't.

Good times.

This blog has fallen and hard. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't relieved. Who wants to spend all kinds of time watching Fox News and "knowing" stuff when I can just make up scenarios about famous people and fruit. Come on, Tommy Lee and a honeydew. That's gold, people. Gold.

Plus, if I spend too much time flirting with current-events relevance, I wouldn't have room to bring you the REALLY momentous news, like the unveiling of the US Men's Soccer team's uniforms for the 2006 World Cup!

Woo! Yes! Four more months until this blog temporarily leaves behind both politics AND celebrities with fruit to become ALL SOCCER ALL THE TIME for the duration of the World Cup. Start making plans to avert your eyes now.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 8.5



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