Wednesday, February 22, 2006
You'll Shoot Your Eye Out
My mom has just run off with my two at-home kids, so I'm blogging as fast as I possibly can. I have a few rare moments of nobody-all-up-in-my-face and I don't want to waste them trying to squeeze life-giving blog-blood from my brain-stone, especially when I could be downloading porn, listening to music WAY too loudly, sleeping or downloading porn.

First of all, before I bail on all of you and leave you all high and dry, I was VERY disappointed to see that nobody--not one of you--made it to my house by 2:00 yesterday afternoon. I had the minivan all fueled up and ready to go with the plastic slip-covers on the seats and everything. I had a couple of leads on some charter buses, bulk alcohol wholesale and even a donkey rental (you never know what people are going to want to do/see). When nobody showed up, well, I had to get creative just to keep myself out of trouble with the home-owners' association. I'm not even allowed to plant a tree without written permission in triplicate. Housing a bus, a recalcitrant donkey and a whole pallet of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill in one's driveway tends to raise some eyebrows. Just to avoid a fine, I'm probably going to have to sleep with the HOA president... again. Sure, it's worth it in the end, but just the thought of that scratchy beard against my neck creeps me out. But come on, we're talking about upwards of $40 here.

Secondly, and very quickly, a woman is suing because they included her in a "Foxy Felons" mugshot gallery. Part of her claim is that she objects to the fact that she knows--knows--that some patrons of are using her photo "for their own private sexual gratification."

Seriously, what is the matter with kids today? Downloading actual porn isn't good enough for them anymore? In my day we waited until our parents fell asleep so we could locate and distribute movies of women doing unspeakable things to each other, to themselves, to midgets, to Coke bottles, what have you. Good, clean, honest porn. Now people are abusing themselves to mug-shots of ladies from the neck up, alone and clearly wearing clothing? What ever happened to depravity? Where's the perversion? Have we gotten that square as a country? Next thing you know somebody's going to try to outlaw abortion and THEN where will we be? Before long people will probably just stop masturbating altogether, leading to rising incidences of road rage, first-date anxiety and the collapse of the American hand-lotion industry. It all seems so nice and wholesome until they start closing the lotion mines, people. THEN where will your high morality be when you're all out of work?

For the lady in the picture who is suing, though, I will say that I have learned from her plight two important things:

1) Don't commit crimes
2) If you must fail at #1, do not be hot while doing so

Remember, hot people don't commit crimes. Hot people sleep with ugly people and then sexually and emotionally manipulate them into committing crimes FOR them. Was I the only one who saw The Last Seduction? Cinemax can save you, people. It saved me. And it almost single-handedly keeps the lotion-mines open. Call your cable or satellite provider today.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 5.2



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