Tuesday, March 14, 2006
And The Winner Isn't...
Well, another award season has come and gone. The afterparties have all been broken down; the slick of spilled apple-tini and vomit long since mopped up. The gowns have all been put away, boxed and carefully stored with the funk of a night's worth of sweat to preserve the memories. The tuxes all returned to their rental shops, Triscuit crumbs brushed out of the pleats of their cummerbunds, left to wait in the fading sunset of associated glory for their next assignments at a junior high school "graduation" or as brief covering for a male stripper.

What an event the 2006 Bloggie Awards must have been. I'm left to fill in the blanks as I wasn't actually invited to the ceremony (yes, there's a ceremony).

I'm not bitter about the oversight though, no. Actually, I'm happy to report that for the second year in a row, the Bucket failed to receive a single award. In fact, I'm doubly happy to report that the Bucket failed to garner a single nomination for the awards.

Before any of you start to interpret this as sarcastic bitterness, please, let me assure you: it isn't. It's relief. The way I see it: what good would it do if the Bucket were put into contention? How instructive or illuminating would the Bloggies be if, say, one single little blog were to sweep every single available award? I'm not just talking about the ones I'd be technically eligible for either. I think I'd have a real shot at the Best Latin American Blog and the Best GLBT as well. I mean, I live in California which is practically Latin America anyway and gay stuff? What blog do you read that is more inappropriately preoccupied with homosexuality than this one? Gay people don't read my blog. Know why? It's too gay. If you learned nothing from my multi-part blog tribute to chest-waxing or my recurring feature of Clay Aiken/Rip Taylor slash fiction then you haven't been paying close enough attention.

No, look, the Bloggies exist to recognize excellence, to separate, to single-out a few across a broad variety of thematic categories so as to make some kind of coherent sense out of the huge tsunami of white noise that is the expanding flood of the blogosphere.

I wouldn't have minded getting my hands on some of that sweet loot, though, I must say. Do I need an olive oil gift box from something called "Alejandro & Martin Olive Oils"? You'd better fucking believe I do. That's not fucking metaphorical either, I need it, I need it.

But like I said, if I win one, there's a real danger that I win them all, or at least a sizeable and unmistakable majority.

And with a majority like that, I could claim a personal mandate. I could make a very strong argument that I had been elected Lord High Blog Ruler. With all my new political capital, I could organize blogs along lines I see fit: championing the growth of blogs about sports and cake and girls with low self-esteem; the deserved ghetto-ization of blogs about knitting or Jesus (or any combination thereof); the outlawing of blogs by people who don't speak English... and I don't just mean foreigners, I mean Americans who refuse to speak recognizable English. The Grammar Stormtroopers would be here at last, make no mistake.

And then I could use the rest of my political capital to rally the Blogosphere for the much-needed invasion and regime-change in other imaginary realms like the Information Superhighway or the Global Marketplace or Narnia. OK, maybe not Narnia. I hear they have a lion.

What I'm talking about is the total eradication of personal freedom in any electronic media format within the space of a few days. Things happen fast online. That's the result when you engage in pursuits that completely cut out the need to walk places.

These are the reasons that I'm glad I wasn't considered for the 2006 Bloggies. An authoritarian temperament like mine just doesn't need that kind of encouragement. I still need--NEED--that olive oil, but I can learn to suffer in silence, I suppose.

Or if any of you are feeling generous, I am accepting gifts by mail. If you aren't comfortable sending glass bottles by mail, I am also willing to accept the cash equivalent.

Just putting it out there.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 9.8



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