Friday, March 03, 2006
Commander, Tear This Ship Apart Until You've Found Those Plans! And Bring Me The Passengers; I Want Them Alive!
I started a Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing post about the new Bruce Willis movie 16 Blocks. But then about half way through (seriously, I got half way through one of my long-ass MIHNIoS posts and scrapped the whole fucking thing) I realized that I'd rather volunteer for a public exhibition on the mysteries and wonders of the anal pear than finish it.

I thought I could care. I really did. I mean, it's a Richard Donner movie. Your Superman, your Goonies, your Ladyhawke... how could it be bad?

But then I realized that the guy who made Lethal Weapon is the same guy who also made Lethal Weapon 4, so there's no guarantee of quality.

But (again with the "but") then again, I saw this picture of Bruce Willis from the movie:
I mean, come on. Awesome, right? Bruce already has a lifetime of goodwill banked with me just for being John McClane in the first Die Hard. Add to this he's actually playing a cop with a REAL cop mustache... well, you just never see that.

So I got all excited and started writing and realized... well, that was all I had. Once my need to fill space started turning into resentful abuse of the readership, I knew it was time to abort before that draft grew into a full-fledged post I never wanted in the first place and then is left neglected and unloved until it would become a burden on the State. There are no Midnight Basketball camps for posts nobody loves. I think I made the right decision; the best decision for both of us. At least that's what I'll tell myself in the dark of the long nights, when I'm alone with my conscience.

Besides, I wanted to warn people: I watched this week's Lost last night [do not continue reading if you haven't moved this off your TiVo yet]. The show is teetering on the brink of complete and utter lame-ness. The show wasn't bad I guess, but the crazy Australian girl screeching about how "Oi nyaed tyoo fyooind middiseen foh theh beyyaaaay-bee" was borderline retarded. Her job is to sit there and talk funny and be a catalyst for flashback clips involving that hobbit dude, not go tramping off into the jungle on some kind of goddamn mission of truth. No one who weighs under 100 lbs. is allowed to kick ass. Commonly known TV and movie rule. Bruce Willis' mustache is heftier than that girl.

And then there were fake beards and hats among the bad-guy stuff which was interesting, but SO forced. I mean, they took EVERYTHING else except the damning evidence when they cleared out? And then the very end when the guy in the safe says to Mr. Clean "Hey, do you mind if I try to manipulate you in the most obvious way possible and thus insult the intelligence of not only you, but every other character on this show and the entire viewing audience?" and then Baldy McHunterman says "Sure, OK!" well... it's not totally lame YET, but this show is circling the drain. Sawyer stealing all the guns was already stupid, not to mention the fact that Sawyer somehow finds someone to wax his chest on a regular basis out there on that island. If you extrapolate where some of these threads lead (threads in a drain... what a pleasant mixed metaphor), none of it is good.

I was glad that they mentioned The Brothers Karamazov, which gives me an opportunity to point out that there is a whole post somewhere on this blog where I tried to work out that book right after I read it. I'd link it, but a) I'm lazy and b) it's a real low-point, humor wise, for this blog, so I'm not helping. If you're an insomniac who just needs that leeeetle push into sleep (or, say, suicidal-ness) that's the post for you.

The Lost people have surprised me before (I thought the hatch stuff was going to be awful, but it turned out to be interesting so far...), so I'm not going to stop watching, but come on... Let's get back to reasonable things like random horses and monsters made of sentient clouds.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 7.7



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