Friday, March 10, 2006
Movies I Have No Intention Of Seeing, #28

Failure to Launch

starring Matthew McConaughey, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kathy Bates, Terry Bradshaw, Terry Bradshaw's Naked Ass and Zooey Deschanel

directed by Tom Dey (Shanghai Noon, Showtime)

Just from the title of this movie, I know what you're thinking. It was the same thing I thought: Oh my God, finally the good people at Pfizer have realized that television advertisement is too expensive and have decided to go straight to producing entire feature films that expound the wonders of their little blue boner-making pills.

It's billed as a "romantic comedy" which already makes it suspect to me, but I don't know how much of my personal time I want to invest exploring the ups and downs of personal hydraulic turgidity (medicated or otherwise) of either former quarterback/TV bumpkin Terry Bradshaw or Matthew McConaughey, Sexiest Man Alive or no.

I will give it to Matthew, though, he is one sexy bitch. So long as it's understood that when I say "give it to" him, I mean props, respect, credit and not any kind of sex act. If I had to "give it to" a guy--say, if I had a gun to my head or was drunk or maybe asked nicely--I certainly wouldn't choose one who looked like THAT with his shirt off. I'm already kind of doughy. I don't think my ego would be able to handle the side-by-side (or front-to-back, however the logistics of those kind of couplings work) comparison. Then we'd all have a "failure to launch" as it were. That's why if worse comes to worse, I'm saving myself for the guy who plays Hurley on Lost. Next to him, I am an Adonis.

The reason I'm able to write about this movie where I've been unable to muster any kind of effort for this irregular feature over the past month or so is that a) easy dick jokes via the title and b) during my semi-recent flurry of movie going, I have seen the trailer for this film every single time. That might not sound like much to go on, but hey, that's what MIHNIoS is all about.

The problem is that right now, I don't watch commercials anymore. Used to be a guy would get his impressions about movies he had no intention of seeing by watching fast-cut 30-second spots in between segments of 30 Minute Meals with Rachel Ray. Usually you sort of tolerate them because you HAVE to stick around and figure out how her easy Three Cheese Layer Dip Guacamole Tartlets with Chiplotle-Yogurt Dipping Sauce turns out. But then, if you have a TiVo-type DVR as I do, you learn you can start watching things about 10 minutest late (for 1/2 hour shows) or 20 minutes late (for hour shows) and SKIP EVERY COMMERCIAL. So I know how to make a No Bake No Fuss Spinach Gorgonzola Red Apple Teriyaki Pot Pie without being updated on the status of soon-to-be-released films via 30-second TV spot.

So by total fluke, this movie I know a little bit about. Most of what I know is that I will hate it.

First of all, it's got one of those awful posters where the star's heads are awkwardly photo-shopped onto the bodies of people who are obviously not them. It's not just that they're poorly done, they actually terrify me. I don't know if it's a phobia or what, but one of my worst fears is that I will one day be murdered, decapitated and then have my lifeless body propped up for promotional stills with a green-painted pumpkin in place of my head so that Tom Hanks or Denzel Washington's head can later be super-imposed by some kind of CGI replacement technique. Hey fuck you, some people are afraid of spiders; I'm afraid of this.

Secondly, I have stated before that I believe that one of the worst crimes in cinematic history is the film How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days starring Matthew McConaughey. In that one, a smarmy lothario type is targeted for a comeuppance in the form of the most tortured, contrived romantic foil ever in the form of the awful Kate Hudson (who has been good in other things, but in that was so completely ful of aw). The fact that I've seen that movie makes me spontaneously weep from time to time, which can be awkward at t-ball games or while making out with my wife.

THIS movie pairs our Matthew with Sarah Jessica Parker, whose character actually TRUMPS Kate Hudson's for most contrived: her job (follow this now) is to make immature grown men fall in love with her so that they will then be enticed to move out of their parents' house. That's. Her. Job.

Wanna guess what the movie's about?

No, me neither.

As much as I would now like to obliterate this film in text form, the only thing that stays my hand is the presence of Zooey Deschanel. Ahh, Zooey. She's the pretty Deschanel. She doesn't have all that weird square-face lantern-jaw thing like her sister Emily who can be seen alongside David Boreanaz in the show we're all not watching, Bones. Zooey's the one with the proportional face and the luxurious dark, dark hair. Sure, she contributed to the sad debacle of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but there was plenty of blame to go around there. You leave her alone.

So the premise is God-awful, it stars Matthew McConaughey (whose track record also includes the equally execrable The Wedding Planner) and (if reports can be believed) Terry Bradshaw's Naked Ass.

This doesn't look good. We're heading for Andrew Shue territory all the way.

Plus, I don't like Sarah Jessica Parker. She's an OK actor, but she's just too small to be an actual person. She's one of those people who have to ask strangers to walk in front of the automatic door-opener sensors at the super-market for them because they're too inconsequential (physically I mean) to register.

But then she is married to Ferris Bueller...

But--ha ha!--what's funny is that--ha ha!--in Sex and the City her character was Carrie Bradshaw and in this movie she co-stars with Terry Bradshaw! Ha! Isn't that nutty?! That is so so nutty. The first names rhyme and the last name is the same!

That plus the Deschanel and... I hate to admit it... but the McConaughey abs all together manage to squeak out a miniscule, barely-deserved:

One (out of 3) on the Hot Babysitter Scale

Seriously, have you seen the abs? I think the guy's a terrible actor, but you have to give it up for core conditioning like that. Now, when I say "give it up", I don't mean... ah, nevermind. You know what I mean.



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