Thursday, March 30, 2006
Naked Pictures Of Famous People
I was all ready to write a forthright, earnest, civic-minded analysis of the incredibly complex set of issues surrounding the current very-loud public debate concerning illegal immigration.

It's something that deserves my attention, your attention, everyone's attention. Out here in the greater Los Angeles area, my God, even the children are involved. Many many school-age kids are walking out of classrooms to join protest marches and generally wander the streets because they are so moved by their newly-awakened political consciousness to stand up for what they believe in by hanging out on some street corner with their friends surrounded by a bunch of loud old people screaming about some old people stuff when they could be stuck in an English--sorry, Language Arts--class somewhere giggling at the name "John Updike."

In school they would be bored, agitated, overwhelmed by their own suffocating apathy. In a protest march, they can be bored, agitated and overwhelmed by their own suffocating apathy in the service of a cause. To me, that's political action at its finest: taking your primary talents and giving them, selflessly, to what you believe in. It's like me and the dick jokes.

But, just as I was gearing up to read a lot of news stories laying out the intricacies of the arguments on both sides of this immigration thing so that I could make a cogent, balanced, subtle assessment of the pros and cons, my energies were involuntarily redirected to the feature story in my local newspaper about the boobies of famous actresses and when they should show them to me. Being a white person of largely European descent (seriously, they were LARGE) means that I am enough generations away from my own illegally-immigrating ancestors that I can take a more reserved, long-term view and tactfully shelve the issue for a slower news day.

Now, about the boobies. The article is by a local staff writer from something called the "News & Observer" from the Raleigh-Durham area of North Carolina. I don't know how it got picked up by the national wire services and ended up in my local suburban paper, but it did. I suspect it had something to do with the fact that my local paper could then justify full-color teasers on the front page with pictures of Scarlett Johanssen and Rachel McAdams on the front page under the headline "NUDITY (Inside, C3)". Maybe I'm just being cynical, but I think that could potentially move more copies than teasing the other story they did about the seismic retrofitting of a bridge.

Now, I'm about to object to this story about boobies. I feel it's right for me to prepare you, my loyal Bucketeers, before I do so so as to not knock you all out of your chairs when I do.

I'm strongly pro-boobie. I think I've established that. No one can doubt my credentials in this area. Me and the pro-boobie position are as integrated and unassailable as Nixon and anti-Communism. They say only Nixon could go to China. I used to think that saying was a comment on early 1970s travel restrictions or just an American disinclination to visit countries where they might accidentally be served dog, but what it REALLY means is that Nixon was such a swaggering, huge-balled Commie-hater that he could go stick 'em in Mao's face and no one would think he was just being a homo. That whole subverting-the-Constitution-for-political-gain thing was more of just a hobby.

So when I say I object to the nationally-carried news article about the boobies of famous actresses, it's not because I'm gay. It's not. It's not, shut up. Lots of men get their tips frosted these days. Their hair tips. Leave me alone.

No, what I object to in the article is that in order to underline the "staff writer's" point, he quoted a blogger. A blogger. Who had something to say about naked actresses.

Big deal, right? Well, the blogger he quoted was not me.

I know!

I still can't believe it. I mean, honestly, if you were sitting at home, any of you, and you decided you needed to read something about young nubile actresses taking off their shirts in the service of the "story" they're telling, where would you go?

Straight to the Bucket. You know it's true.

And yet for some reason, this "News & Observer" (still not sure that's a real paper; may instead be some kind of national ruse just to frustrate and infuriate me) went to someone called "Lance Mannion".

First of all: fake name! Nobody is named "Lance Mannion" who isn't a covert agent for the government saving the world from giant-laser-wielding supergenius bad guys in a Bargain Bin paperback.

Second: probably the blog of the "staff writer" under a pseudonym. Only thing I can think of that makes sense. Am I paranoid? Maybe. As soon as I can connect "both" of these "people" to the JFK assassination and the cover-up of long-standing alien presence on the planet Earth, the better I'll feel.

Third: The point the guy made was about how regular physical nudity is easy, but what he thinks is hard is "emotional nudity," where actresses bare their souls or some shit. Which leads me to...

Fourth: Gay.

I love gay people (remember: frosted tips), but I'm sorry, there are some things that should be left in the hands of straight men. Actress boobies are one (or, in fact, two) of them. Other things verboten to gay men are things like NASCAR, Republican politics and the Scientology. There are NO GAY SCIENTOLOGISTS! THEY'VE ALL BEEN CURED!

And now I must stop before I am sued by "Lance Mannion" or the "News & Observer" or the Nixon estate or GLAAD or (most likely) Scientology.

Just want to say, if you're a journalist and you're doing a piece on Brad Pitt's dick, I'd better be your go-to quote. Otherwise, you can expect the same sort of public excoriation as was given to "staff writer" today.

Consider your emotional well-being and the potential destruction of it. By me. Not a threat, just saying.

As for what I think about the illegal immigration thing (in case you were wondering), I can sum it up for you all in one sentence: I don't like to pay a lot for oranges.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 8.8

Rod Virileson


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