Monday, March 27, 2006
She's OK, But She Ain't No Matthew McConaughey
I was loath to even mention that Scarlett Johansson was named "Sexiest Woman" by FHM Magazine because that would inevitably lead to the employment of the unfortunate word "butterface", which would then probably need to be explained.

And then I realized just now that by saying how I didn't want to use it means I have to explain it anyway.

Butterface (noun): word used to describe a woman whose body (in the opinion of the commentor) is of disproportionately superior aesthetic appeal compared to her face. A contraction of the words but her face as in: "Man, that Scarlett Johansson's body is smokin', but her face..."

example: Scarlett Johansson? Butterface.

Most common use among teenage and college-aged males who have yet to understand that there is more to a woman than her appearance. For instance, some women are also good for attaching yourself to financially so that you can then be free to sit at home and write a blog about slang terms you haven't used in 15 years.

See, and it is in this way that I paint myself into these corners where I don't really HAVE to apologize to my readers, but I get the creepy feeling on the back of my neck that I really should.

So here goes: I'm sorry the readers of FHM are lame and thus put me in this position. I mean come on, Johansson is ranked above Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba AND Jessica Simpson. Don't they know that Jessica Alba and Jessica Simpson have NOTHING ELSE? Scarlett Johansson has talent. And I'm not just talking about her gravity-defiant boobies. I mean she can actually act. She has Golden Globe (steady...) nominations to prove it.

What does Jessica Simpson have? Nowt but what we might one day see in a Playboy pictorial. Two-dimensional indeed. And Jessica Alba? Well, I heard she was OK in Sin City but apart from that, her whole entire career is predicated on gracing the pages of FHM, Maxim and thus like publications. Did you see The Fantastic Four? I didn't.

So apart from the cruelly misogynistic "butterface" label, I attach to Scarlett Johansson a more appropriate, gender-neutral and personally deserved epithet: big fat hog.

Wait, I meant that in the metaphorical, attention-stealing sense. Not like she's really a... look, I appreciate a chick with a little meat on the ole skeleton.

Man. OK, let me just say straight out that I don't hate women. I really don't. A woman pays for the internet access that allows me to flail and backtrack like this.

If you ever meet her, you can thank her personally. For that and the fact that she will probably smack me in the back of my head and restrict my Real Life Boobie privlieges for a good long while.

Solidarity, sisters.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 7.1



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