Tuesday, April 18, 2006
The Comeback
Holy crap, do I love me some internets.

And you all should be happy about it too. After reading my local paper, I was working up a politically-charged post about... something, I forget. Suffice it to say it was going to be really, really boring and probably dick-joke free.

But as I was looking up articles to link to that would give spurious support to my mostly bullshit premise(s) of the day, one thing led to another and I found an article entitled: Experts ponder a future of new sex gizmos, robots.

And thus my political post died.

It had no chance, really.

Be honest, would you rather read about how George Bush is bad bad bad or about how there is an entire industry devoted to developing "a multi-sensual experience of virtual sex"?

Yeah, me too.

What inspires me about this story is not the subject matter (even though... no, never mind) but the fact that there is a time-frame involved. It says very specifically that the technological MegaOrgasmotron3000 (that's a working title) will "very likely to be present before 2016."

What excites me about this news is that we are BACK, people. All we hear is this steady drumbeat of constant downers about how the American educational system is just one humiliating disaster after another, how we've lost our way in terms of technology and innovation and how we're all about to be drowned in a tidal wave of darker-than-white people from the Pacific Rim, all of whom not only have BlackBerrys but know now to use them.

But look at this, a new exploration of technical and mechanical creativity by the country that brought you the Model T and the moon-shot; a robust and hearty thrust into an eagerly waiting growth area, penetrating deeply and quickly into a marketplace well-lubricated by existing overlapping consumer behavior in the area of porn. The complex, tangled thatch that is the enigma of market potential wouldn't be a barrier. All that will have been shorn away before-hand by reams and reams of data in the buying history of fields like video and print pornography, video games and "neck massagers."

Are we Americans, as a nation, fat and lazy and arrogant and complacent? Sure we are. But we're also practical and smart. Let India and China and Japan work on tinier circuits or making cars that get 150 miles to the gallon. That's fine. But we know that not everyone is going to want some faggy wind-up hybrid.

What we DO know is that everyone--everyone--wants to masturbate. Everyone desperately desperately wants to masturbate. Right now, for instance. Go ahead, I'll wait...

We already have the ability to synch up our sex-toys to have pretend sex with plastic representations of people we meet on the internet. We even--I was surprised to find out--have a name for this kind of technology. It's called "teledildonics." It's in the article, I swear. It also is possibly the best word ever.

The Holy Grail of jerking off is just around the corner, though. They are already working on something I had never even considered in my wildest fantasies; not because I lacked the capacity, it's just that there was little room left what with all the wood nymphs and cheerleaders and Oprah Winfrey. Look: "other researchers say in decades to come advanced devices will be able to stimulate the brain to create a sexual experience without manipulating genitalia."

I added the italicized emphasis, but I feel justified as there has never been a sentence where such added emphasis was more deserved. Long distance, anonymous, no yucky touching. Let's see my priest condemn me to hell for THAT.

It's like Tom Cruise's wet dream (minus the dudes in chaps).

I think it's strangely appropriate that in 1961, it was John F. Kennedy who inspired us as a nation to conquer the heavens. But then he was getting so much high-quality poony that highly-charged sexual thought was merely an afterthought. I imagine he spent most of his time too knackered to even consider it. He could turn his attention to other things as that itch was being well scratched.

And now, in 2006, we get this spike in activity around the human genitalia under this president, which seems almost paradoxical, but makes perfect sense when you consider that George Bush is such a giant tool.

See, I knew I could make it political again.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to... I... uh... there's something I have to do.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 8.0



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