Wednesday, April 05, 2006
You probably guessed already, but just to confirm it, yes, I am one of those people. No, not a leper. I mean one the other kind of those people. You know, the geeks who will (if you're unlucky enough to be caught by one of us in the rare occasion we're out socially) bore you to tears cataloguing, detailing and complaining about every intricate and myriad way movie versions of the celebrated Geek Canon have undermined the hallowed source-material by making shit up or leaving shit out.

Most of you should count yourselves lucky that you will never know the rage and betrayal I felt--still feel!--for the way the screenwriters ruined the dialogue between Eowyn and the Lord of the Nazg├╗l at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields in film version of The Return of the King. I mean, come on, the kids WANT to hear words like "dwimmerlaik." To excise little bits of archaic language is criminal. And the movie obviously suffered for it.

Even as a child, I was annoyed by the details. Like in Superman II where all of a magical sudden, Superman had these "extra" powers like the ability to shoot white levitation energy death-beams from his fingers, teleport at will, make his Clark Kent clothes instantly disappear while flying and (my personal favorite) make Lois Lane forget he was Superman by kissing her. I've tried this on my wife, but apparently I lack the super-lung capacity and diaphragm strength necessary to suck out the necessary parts of my wife's brain through her mouth to make her forget, say, that I forgot to record some chick movie for her or burned the garage to the ground. It's still a great movie and one of the best sequels of all time, but the little details, for a guy like me... let's just say that I gave the studio both barrels. More than one strongly-worded letter was sent. And I was six.

Now, this June, Superman Returns is coming out. I was really excited about it... until I saw this billboard.

Yeah, it's dramatic and whatever, but I told you already, I don't like them adding new powers. Now, according to this picture, Superman is going to have a blindingly bright glowing gold penis. Look at it. You can't even see the shape of it, it's so bright. It has it's own corona and the ability to part clouds. No wonder he's looking up; it's so he won't be blinded by the thing. Frankly I'm a little disappointed in the marketing people, not just for showing an exposed penis (alien and brilliant though it is) but for giving away what is probably going to be one of the big "reveals" of the movie in the advertising. I hate that.

It does, however, give a whole new meaning to the phrase "morning wood."

But now at least we know why Superman wears that extra pair of red chonies on the outside of his pants. It's not because he's a homeless vagrant; it's for the light-shielding. All those layers protect us from the nuclear furnace he keeps in his pants.

But poor Lois Lane...

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 9.2



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