Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Thinking is hard. I try and I try and I try to do it for myself, but all I get for my trouble are T-shirts with clever slogans like "Rock Out With Your Cock Out" or the entire Precious Moments Guernica collection of porcelain figurines or locked in a trunk with my hands tied behind my back on a cargo plane to Rangoon. See, I'm just no good at thinking for myself.
I need help, but who can afford a Life Coach? Sure, I can watch Dr. Phil, but then I have to go out and start taking massive amounts of drugs, cheating on my wife and being generally emotionally retarded in order for any of his advice to apply to me. And that just seems like too much work.
What is a person-who-can't-be-trusted-with-his-own-thoughts to do?
Well, luckily for me--for all of us, really--this is an election year. Yes, it's technically an "off-year" or "mid-term" or "nobody outside of DC cares" year, but if you're looking for it, if you're really paying attention, a whole program of personal-thought-replacement is out there to be had.
In 2004, I didn't even know what an evil, evil menace the idea of gay marriage was. Had no idea. I was walking around thinking I didn't have time to get all personally involved in the private affairs of consenting adults. Luckily however--and just in time--I was informed that boys who want to kiss other boys were organizing into paired strike groups with the sole operating objective of destroying my marriage. If I had been left to think about it all by myself, I would have made yet another clearly wrong decision and gone right on not caring. And now I'd be unmarried and forced into a life of hot, hot sodomy by the ascendant gay political machine. So, crisis averted there.
And now this year, I've been wandering around in a funk, naively focused on paying my mortgage and thinking up synonyms for "penis" for the betterment of my blog when I was informed very recently that I have to care desperately about illegal immigration. Have. To. No choice. They are coming. They're brown, they speak in halting, accented English and they'll watch my kids for not very much money and with no Social Security payroll tax obligation. They must be stopped.
I am relieved that there is a Republican political machine so in need of another "wedge issue" that they're willing to do all this thinking for me. And thank goodness there's a Fox News to present it all to me in a fair and balanced way. This is clearly part of the GOP's brilliant strategy to have fewer Latinos vote for them than black people do. It's a bold move in that the African-American population as a percentage of the whole has remained relatively steady while the number who identify themselves as Latin-American in origin is rapidly expanding. Latinos are the growth market for political ostracization and alienation.
Not only has the House passed a bill making illegal immigration a felony, sparking the largest series of political protests I've seen in my lifetime, but there are some positive aspects of the new legislative push. It's not all draconian punishment. They are now floating the idea of cutting the wait-time for citizenship by one year for fluent English speakers. See, it's a brilliant triangulation plan wherein the Republicans push away Mexicans while canceling out that loss by appealing to the huge flood of immigrants streaming across our borders and into our ports from the wilds of Canada, the UK and Australia. I'm sure all 11 of them will be more inclined to vote Republican now. Take that, eroded Latino political base!
I can understand, I guess, the position of the (second) party of Ben Nighthorse Campbell is so keen on protecting the rights of Natives from the creeping non-English-speaking menace. Although, to be honest, I think they're dropping the ball, in some respects. As long as they're thinking for me and they've got me all fired up against immigrants, I would think that the greater threat would be the immigrants who DO speak English. The ones that look like me and talk like me bring their foreign-y culture with them. Next thing you know we're all drinking Molson or having our kids play soccer. It's insidious.
I will concede that the other side has some poins too. I mean, we all know white Americans won't do difficult manual labor. So I'm kind of conflicted. Or at least I will be until the next television commercial airs that tells me which way I should lean. Like right now, I'm thinking I could use a little natural male enhancement.
Man, I gotta stop watching Spike TV.
This post on the Narcissus Scale: 8.2