Friday, April 07, 2006
Last night, something unprecedented happened: I went a whole evening without downloading any internet porn.

It sounds momentous and, frankly, unbelievable, but it's true.

What could possibly have distracted me from such a deeply ingrained and time-honored tradition dating back to the earliest days of the internets?


That's right, the Yahoo Games word-spelling-with-letter-tiles game that is DEFINITELY NOT SCRABBLE! It isn't. See, even look at the name: Literati. Clearly NOT Scrabble. It doesn't even start with an S.

Besides being spelled completely differently, Literati differs from Scrabble in the sense that it is infinitely more cool. I mean, think of all the dorktastic lameness of sitting around in real life spelling words you have to manipulate crudely with your disgusting fleshy hands except instead you get to add in all the cutting-edge cool of a desperately sad internet chat room.

Good times.

Just for the record, I should point out that there WAS a young lady (at least that's how "she" was representing "herself") in the chat lobby of the Literati area actively trying to lure people to look at naked pictures of herself in her Yahoo profile. I'm just pointing it out so that everyone remembers that the internet is the internet and every iteration is primarily a platform for the distribution of pr0n. The world has never made more sense to me than it did just then.

Anyway, I'm writing this to head off any vicious slander that might suggest that I got my ass kicked playing Literati by SJ and Steph, fellow bloggers to whom challenges were both issued and taken up.

Did I forget to mention I was playing against fellow bloggers? You didn't think I would just show up and play some random person I didn't know at Literati for hours and hours on end in a futile attempt to fill the great gaping hole in my company-starved housewife's soul, did you? Come on. I play Call of Duty 2 online for that.

Over at Steph's blog she has a screencapture up that purportedly records the "real" score and the "real" outcome in which I was "completely destroyed" by both her and SJ. According to her, even though there were only three of us, I managed to fall so far behind I finished in FOURTH place.

Well, let's take a look at her "evidence" shall we?

If you're like me, something jumps out at you right away: this image has clearly been altered. I know none of you were there, so I will point out the inconsistencies.

Do any of you notice the big fat pink lines, circles, writing and block coloring? It's subtle, so I'll give you a second... with me? OK, just so you know, NONE OF THAT WAS THERE when we played. None of it. No "exhibit A" or "exhibit B", nothing.

So that immediately begs the question: if she changed THAT, what ELSE did she change?

Also realize that not only is Stephanie an artist, but she works in GRAPHIC DESIGN. Altering an image like this is child's play for a woman of her ability... her devious, devious ability.

Plus, Steph is a marathon runner, so we know she's hyper-competitive and purposefully driven beyond the bounds of rational non-masochistic human beings. So her whole personality make-up is questionable there.

I told her I wouldn't tell anyone, but I also know that she once kidnapped a rabbit and then killed for sport.

Putting these bits of damning evidence togehter, right away we can throw out what appears to be the "score". In fact, the whole enterprise looks fishy to me. Did we even play Literati? If we did, how come I woke up on the floor of my living room blind in one eye and bleeding from the rectum? That doesn't sound like any kind of friendly online sport to me.

If it DID happen, then the memory I have of it goes as follows:

1) SJ laid on a heavy dose of "oh, I'm just an innocent backward Southerner who is half blasted out of her skull on box wine. How do these funny computer things work again, y'all? Oh, I get it--" POW! 20 point double word-score. Sandbagged.

2) Look at the bottom right of the board. You'll see that going across is the word "EX". Dubious already. But then going DOWN from the X is the word "XU". I believe that particular combination was worth something like 26 points with the double letter score for the X in multiple words. That was the work of Steph.

At first I was mad because "xu" is so obviously not a word. But I would like to publicly apologize to Steph for calling her what I called her last night when she hit that score. I looked it up and "xu" IS actually a word. According to my dictionary, it is a little-used ancient Farsi words that means "I cheat at internet Scrabble."

If it did really happen, all in all it was a good time, blindness, blacking out and rectal bleeding notwithstanding. Despite their mercilessness and personal dislike for me in the realm of competitive word games, they seem like decent enough people whom I would give dirty looks to and then ignore if I were ever to meet them in person. Yes, I'm that small a person. But since they were so much fun, I would totally feel bad about it afterward.

And as a final note of caution, if any of you are in Literati Intermediate Lounge #4 and some girl is inviting you to look at naked pictures of her in her profile, just pass. Unless tranvestite donkey shows are your thing, then God bless. And whatever you do, do NOT give her your credit card number. There are going to be some charges I'm going to have a lot of trouble explaining to my wife.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 10.0



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