Friday, May 26, 2006
Movies I Have No Intention Of Seeing, #33

An Inconvenient Truth

starring Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.

directed by Davis Guggenheim (a bunch of TV including 24, Alias, Deadwood, The Shield)

I graduated from high school in 1992. There I was, like most 18 year olds, looking crisp and fresh in my dark blue suit from the Brooks Brothers Young Dictators department and my freshly ironed socks, Mahler on the Walkman, valise packed and ready for my first day at men-only Bible college.

Every once in a while, I would turn on The Arsenio Hall Show as part of my job as the Recording Secretary of the European-American Preservation Society Student Union to keep an eye on the blacks. The Observation & Listening Report Form does not fill itself in.

I'd heard a presidential candidate was going to be on the show, so I was paying closer attention than I usually would. I mean, this was my work. Otherwise, why would any self-respecting white kid be watching this show? It had the rock and roll on it. And worse, sometimes even the hippity-hop. Clearly this Hall person was Satan's instrument.

I'm waiting for the Democrat candidate to show his face, but instead they cut to this guy--the old white guy--standing up with the band, ill-fitting, ridiculous sunglasses on, playing some old devil-music on a saxophone. Me, I'm all: "Bo-ring! Get to the presidential candidate so I can hear what he thinks about trade imbalances!"

Imagine my horror when I found out that the guy with the saxophone WAS the presidential candidate!

Oh how my world spun out of control. Could this be right? Someone running for president who a) talks to black people and b) plays their music and c) wears sunglasses indoors.

Turns out that was the thin end of the wedge, which was then shoved the rest of the way in (not saying in where) by that devil vixen Tabitha Soren and MTV's Choose or Lose campaign. Oh Tabitha and her sultry, mousey, come-hither-and-vote looks, barely masking her contempt for George H.W. Bush while he shot laser death beams at her.

They told me: "Bill Clinton cares what young people think!"

And I said: "No, he's the Anti-Christ! I can totally tell he has a penis!"

They said: "Bill Clinton loves you!"

And I said: "Bill... Clinton... LOVES ME!"

And that was it. My whole political reality collapsed. I went out and immediately bought a poncho.

I voted for Bill Clinton in '92 (because "he gets it, man") and in '96.

In 2000, Bill Clinton gave us Al Gore.

At first I wasn't sure what to think. Brooks Brothers suit (from the Men's Dictator section), Ivy League, blueblood pedigree, all the oozing personality of a tarp.

But then the other guy he was running against had all the same flaws, only on top of it, he was "from" Texas and clearly slightly retarded. So though I had no great affection for Al Gore (mostly because of the unforgivable sin of Not Being Bill Clinton), he was my guy. By default? Sure. But still, my guy.

Now after the trauma of 2000 and of '04, here's Al again, doing what he does best: driving people who voted for him in 2000 crazy by being relaxed, engaging and likeable. What a dick.

The reviews of this film--this An Inconvenient Truth, Al's cinematic PowerPoint presentation about global warming--all say basically the same thing: it's an Al Gore PowerPoint presentation about global warming and it totally doesn't make you want to kill yourself!

It's sort of damning with faint praise I guess, but from everything I read, despite the lack of zazz or mutant powers or nudity (I hope to God no nudity), it's actually watchable as much as any Al Gore PowerPoint presentation about global warming could be.

It sounds awfully dull, but from what I've read, this limited release is selling out here in SoCal. But then this is a den of hippie group-think where we totally buy into this "global warming" crap or really just about anything fed to us by prominent members of the Democratic/Hollywood Public Policy Workgroup. You know, the same people who brought you Abortion on Demand! and It's OK For Boys To Kiss.

So I have no intention of seeing this movie, but mostly because it comes out during the summer, on Memorial Day Weekend no less. Pretty ballsy for a nature documentary. Unfortunately, I have a strict no-documentaries-on-the-big-screen policy I must abide by, alas. It came back and stung me in the past through such great films as Fahrenheit 9/11 and March of the Penguins and the magisterial modern-health piece That Magnificent Vagina, but a policy is a policy. The big screen is reserved for movies with explosions. Things like our X-Men 3, which I could not cover today as I have every intention of seeing it.

Despite all that, the fact that this movie, Al Gore's movie, even exists warms me. Again, I won't say where, but it warms me. Is it a ploy to re-introduce Al to the American public in preparation for an '08 run for president, possibly saving us from the unelectable Hillary tsunami? I hope so. I'd hate to be put in a position where I have to vote for a tsunami.

Two (out of 3) on the Hot Babysitter Scale

My name is Pops and I approved this message.



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