Tuesday, May 16, 2006
What's The Spanish Word For "Schadenfreude"?
Well. Rousing speech from the Commander-in-Chief. I was roused. Anyone else roused? Totally roused. Probably because I skipped watching the speech live and was watching Spice Channel pay-per-view at the time. Like I said, very 'roused. When I read the text of the speech and saw some clips of it later, I was still roused. Probably something to do with the subconscious association with porn, I bet, but still. Roused is roused.

6,000 National Guard troops to patrol the border. It sounds like a great idea. Adding guns to things doesn't necessarily solve problems, but it sure butches them up a bit.

Using some highly classified and technical tools available to me through some connections I have (the people who provide me my DSL hook-up) I was able to calculate roughly the distance of the US-Mexico border.

It works out to roughly 1,500 miles. Some basic math tells me that 6,000 troops over 1,500 miles works out to 4 National Guardsmen/women per border mile. With such an impenetrable net, how could it possibly fail? Think about that before you come sneaking across, Juan Immigrante.

OK, so it doesn't sound very good, numbers-wise. But remember, this is not the George W. Bush Vietnam-is-scary weekend-warrior volleyball club National Guard. This is the new National Guard, the Fallujah-veteran roadside-RPG-booby-trap, little-to-no-body-armor type of National Guard. These are soldiers. So maybe the numbers count less than the threat of action. People creeping toward them in the night get shot, out of habit if nothing else.

It sounds exciting until I read that immigration tunnels are being filled in with concrete. Concrete? Where are all these bunker-buster bombs we keep hearing about? We know they're not being used on Osama bin Laden. If we're going to militarize this fucker, I say we militarize it. Shock and awe, people. They don't have mushroom clouds in Jalisco. That sort of thing might tend to give the Brown Menace some pause before they come streaming across the border to have their sons marry our daughters.

I was quite bemused--but not surprised--at the immediate political response. The Bush people seem determined to piss off just about every conceivable political group with every decision they make. Congressional Republicans don't like it because it doesn't involve kicking in doors and filling up box-cars with people on a one-way ticket to Tijuana. Anything short of that, to them, is "amnesty", which makes them think of Amnesty International, which makes them think of Sting which makes them angry because they still can't believe a band as good as the Police broke up for no good reason. Seriously, "Every Breath You Take" was a really good song. The tragedy of it still smarts.

And then Democrats are opposed to the plan because... because... uh... well, they just are. It's good enough for them that George Bush said it. The "why" will come later.

This is all necessary for the president, because his approval rating is in what professional pundits and pollster call "the Nixon shitter."


Pay no attention to the second line on the graph that tracks the rise (it's inverted so the two lines track better) of gas prices. But no, no, we can't blame gas prices on Democrats. Our wedge issue this year is immigrants. Stay on message!

Because when you're struggling to inspire voters to your cause, it's better to stick to your principles even when your principles reject this:

and lean toward this:

Aww, look, they all fit under one awning. I even had to artificially inflate the picture size.

Good work, Mr. President. Ride those instincts. I'm sure a Democratic majority in the House won't lead to anything serious in the two years you have left.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 6.5



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