Monday, June 05, 2006
This weekend was crazy, man. Just crazy. First off, me and Lanny and Muttonhead were cruising down Jefferson when these two squares in their dad's old Corsair rolled up on us, looking for a race. No contest, daddy-o. I even had to slow down just so they could see us laughing at them.

After that we were playing pinball at the Burger Stand when these greasers walked in looking for trouble. We weren't in the mood for any of their lip, so we rumbled. Muttonhead took a pretty good pummeling, but it broke up pretty quick after Lanny killed three of them with a bicycle chain. You don't wanna cross Lanny, man. That guy can get kooky, dad, just zonko.

I picked up Betty Sue and we split a malted down at the diner and then caught a double feature at the drive-in.

Shortly thereafter, Betty Sue got pregnant and immediately went to Mexico for an abortion, where she died. Then I got syphilis and went crazy and died. And I lived my whole life without ever talking to a person who wasn't white. The End.

The fifties were good times, weren't they?

Actually I didn't do any of those things. Except for the syphilis, but you can get a shot for that.

Oh, and the drive-in.

We took the kids to the drive-in (we still have one in Riverside), Mrs. Pops and I, because they were showing Over the Hedge. I don't know if you've heard of it or not, but it's the animated movie with the talking animals in it. You know, THAT one.

I'm also telling you this story as a confession: for only the second time ever, I have seen on the big screen a movie I had no intention of seeing. The last one was Munich, which turned out to be a HUGE mistake. That movie sucked. I mean really sucked. I chalk it up to karma.

This time, it was Mission: Impossible III, the second half of our drive-in double feature. Hey, it's $6 per person for anyone 10 and up. Everyone else is free. For my wife and I, that's $12 for two movies, only one of which I had no interest in!

[I feel I should point out here that there is an enormous difference between not having any intention of seeing a film and not having any interest in seeing a film. Some of those profiled I'd like to see very much but can't because the shrews at the theater get all judgmental when you bring your 4-year-old to see Basic Instinct 2: Instinct Harder.]

Over the Hedge was fine. MI3, surprisingly, was quite diverting. Maybe it was just the price, but I was entertained by it almost all the way through.

My 7 year old son, who refused to be daunted by the 10 pm start time, also enjoyed it thoroughly. Especially the part where Philip Seymour Hoffman shoots that lady in the head. He thought that was great. He told me so when he woke up in the middle of the night screaming.

I'd talk more about the whole white-trash experience of drive-ins, but I'm totally distracted by something else I simply must address: I saw this headline (yes, a REAL HEADLINE) that said International Bird Rescue has X-ray pictures of a duck that swallowed an alien. A space alien. Swallowed. By a duck. In the news.

Judge for yourselves. Bottom right quadrant:

Actually they say they don't know for sure what it is and are awaiting the results of an autopsy. On a duck. But for now, just to be safe, the official news press release is that THE DUCK SWALLOWED AN ALIEN. As carried by the AP. Seriously.

This raises two points of order: 1) Why are people X-raying ducks? It's not like you can put casts on them. 2) I have never felt safer against the invasion of space aliens than I do now. They have the capacity to travel hundreds or thousands of light years and yet cannot avoid being swallowed by a non-carnivorous creature with a neck the size of a pencil.

Humans they could probably conquer with ease. This is why we should all be grateful for the shielding, vigilant water fowl who keep us safe. Aliens might have faster-than-light propulsion, but they have no answer for the duck.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 8.7



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