Friday, June 09, 2006
I don't know what keeps you people, my loyal Bucketeers, coming back here day after day. Honestly, I've done everything I know how to do to drive you away. For the last nearly two years, I've tried a whole range of tactics ranging from obscenity all the way to vulgarity in order to put you guys off, but still, here we are.
Today, however, I have an announcement to make. I've come up with a plan so offensive, so vile, so antisocially self-destructive it cannot help but alienate every single one of my readers until, at the end, I will be left with only what I had with me the day I started this blog: just me, my lesbian clown porn and lots of free time in the morning.
What is this weapon, you ask? You can see it. Would you like me to show it to you? No, not THAT. I mean the weapon. OK, here it is:
Right now you're thinking: that's the most elaborate and expensive dildo I've ever seen. But no, people, this is no pleasure device. Well, actually, I wouldn't say categorically that it's never been used as such, but it's INTENDED function is to be the World Cup trophy.
That's right, soccer. I can feel your eyes glazing over even now. You're still reading, but you're slumped down in your seats a little bit, a little disappointed, a lot bored already.
This is my month-long program to shed the burdens of readership. It has been four years in the making, which is a testament to its power as I've only had this blog for two. And I have my friends at FIFA to thank for it.
Actually I don't WANT to drive you people away, I'm just compelled to talk about this. I'm so ridiculously amped up for the event that I'm a little embarrassed by my enthusiasm. My absolute geekdom for soccer, frankly, should worry most of you. If you don't stop reading this post (not NOW, at the END) and immediately submit my name to Homeland Security as a supporter and perpetrator of un-American activities, I will immediately lose all respect for you all.
Being honest, I actually don't intend to blog JUST about soccer every single day of the tournament, but do expect a carefully segregated, easily skippable section at the end of each post devoted to pimping the Most Popular Sporting Event In The World.
Like right now, for instance.
WARNING: SOCCER CONTENT FOLLOWS
You all must be informed of the US team's schedule.
Group play starts for us on Monday, June 12th. 32 teams total, 8 4-team groups. We are in Group E.
Game 1: USA v. Czech Republic. Mon 12-June. 9 am Pacific time. ESPN2.
Game 2: USA v. Italy. Sun 17-June. Noon Pacific time. ABC.
Game 3: USA v. Ghana Thurs 22-June. 7 am Pacific time. ESPN.
Commit it to memory. I have it tattooed on my inner thigh. Painful? Yes it was. But necessary.
Hopefully we will qualify for the second round (top two finishers from each group, so 16 teams in all) and there will be further game-time information to pass on. This is not an easy group, however.
Also, I will be pimping a Match of the Day that you will be REQUIRED to watch and then return here to discuss in nearly pornographic detail. As this is a weekend coming up, I will give you three:
Today: Germany v. Costa Rica. 9 am Pacific, ESPN2. Host country (Germany this year) always gets to open the proceedings. This year against our (USA's) regional co-qualifier, Costa Rica.
Saturday: England v. Paraguay. 6 am (!) Pacific, ABC. How much of a geek am I? My son's last day of school is today and tomorrow, his (and my) first day of vaction and I will be SETTING MY ALARM for 5:55 am. But it's England! And Paraguay! Fine, don't care. More for me.
Sunday: Mexico v. Iran. 9 am Pacific, ABC. We hate Mexico because they're right next to us and they keep sending us people. We hate Iran because they want nuclear weapons so they can light us up. For us, it's All Bile Television as we pray for a way for both of them to lose.
I would bore you all further, but as I type this, this is LESS THAN HALF AN HOUR until the first match. I have to start running through my several self-purification routines in preparation. The mortification of the flesh is the hard part, but it's well worth it in the end. USA made the quarterfinals last time, so I know it works. And the skin-grafts took just fine, so I'm confident everything will be OK this time as well.
Olé olé olé olé!
This post on the Narcissus Scale: 10.0 (in bold, even!)