Monday, June 19, 2006
Monday Lite: All Points Bulletin

Where are you, Heather Thomas?

You may not remember who she was, but I will never forget her. For me, she will always be among the first uncovered boobies I've ever seen, a gift granted by the unexpected blessing of fledgling late-night cable in the early 1980s. I will forever remember her stirring portrayal of... whatever her character's name was in the Scott Baio telekenesis vehicle Zapped!, a film about a boy who accidentally acquires the ability to move things with his mind and then uses his gifts in the one way that could best benefit mankind, but popping open ladies' sweaters from a safe distance.

Zapped! gave us many things, including a portent of the Scott Baio-Willie Ames partnership that would go on to captivate a grateful nation in Charles in Charge, a brave show that still holds the record of longest portrayal of a gay couple in television history.

Ms. Thomas was among a small coterie of female TV and film actresses in the early 1980s locked in a bitter interpersonal struggle for the Fake Blonde Sex Kitten crown vacated by what by all rights should have been the death of Farrah Fawcett.

In the end it was down to Ms. Thomas, Heather Locklear and the formidable pair (both of them) of Landers sisters, cooing and hot-pants-ing and double-entendre-ing their way through B-movies and sitcom guest appearances.

I thought for sure Heather Thomas had the inside track. She took up a role on The Fall Guy, a terrible show but with the one crucial advantage of the Lee Majors connection, the same connection that had worked so well for Farrah.

Heather Locklear took what seemed to be a misstep accepting a role on sleazy-but-not-as-dopey-jiggletastic Dynasty, which ostensibly identified itself as drama. The horror.

The Landers sisters, tragically, were murdered in their beds by the Wrigley chewing gum people who had used them in a Doublemint commercial and only later realized the sisters were not in fact twins. Their bodies were never found. You may be chewing them right now!

And all these years later, it is Locklear who survives, still making movies, still having rockstar husbands stolen by Charlie Sheen's ex-wife, still on top of the world and Heather Thomas is...

...I have no idea. The sadness can be overwhelming.

We'll always have Zapped!

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 8.8



The first two games of the round-robin stage are past, which means we now get a change in the schedule with games being played simultaneously (yes, in different stadiums, funny people) so results do not affect play. This means we must be selective as to what we watch. You can try to watch both at the same time, but that would require two TV sets and some fairly serious surgery.

Tomorrow's Match of the Day: Paraguay vs. Trinidad & Tobago, 3 Eastern/noon Pacific, ESPN2.

Believe it or not, tiny island Trinidad & Tobago still has a chance to advance with a win here and England defeating Sweden in the other match. If you don't watch it, they will know. They don't want to, but they will send the hurricanes again. Let's get those ratings up and save our Gulf Coast.

Speaking of ratings: NHL Stanley Cup finals is averaging about a 1.5 rating. USA vs. Italy World Cup match? 5.2. All of America agrees: hockey sucks more than soccer does.


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