Wednesday, June 28, 2006
National Pastime
Another day, another attempt by the wicked, evil, bastard sun to kill me dead.

This time Mrs. Pops--as part of her blatant and unabashed program to cash in my life insurance without waiting around for me to conveniently get ball cancer--dragged me off to yet another event that involved much walking and even more exposure to the elements.

She made me go to a baseball game. With the kids. In hot-ass late June.

Have any of you ever seen one of those giant solar collectors that cost billions of dollars and provide us with upwards of .01% of our daily electricity needs? No? Perhaps I can paint a word-picture for you: picture a baseball stadium... yeah, that's basically it. That's what they look like. Both structures work exactly the same way except instead of harvesting and focusing solar radiation for the purposes of making prohibitively expensive usable energy, baseball stadiums use the sun's rays to piss off my kids and make us by $5 sodas. The baseball stadium is much more financially feasible and cost-effective an enterprise.

I do love me some baseball, but my team lost by like 10 runs, so it was less than ideal.

Since I opened up yesterday and showed you what I looked like, I will share with all of you another picture of myself from the baseball game. The floodgates are opened, people. Now that I feel free to share, this is going to be all-me-pictures all-the-fucking-time.

This one was, again, taken by my wife, this time from just in front of the railing high above home plate in the Upper View section, as far up as you can get and not be on the goddamn roof. Again, as yesterday, NOT A GIANT. OK:

What? Oh, you didn't think I only dressed like this for the beach, did you? I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. But come on, if you had a body like this, you'd dress exactly the same way. Plus I know if I show up this way, a small group of well-groomed guys almost always buy my ticket for me.

The specs are gone (it's a night game and even I am not that pretentious), but note how I show my support for my team my wearing my chapeau ever so jauntily askew. It conveys a clear, unashamed rooting interest while saying "Hey, world! Let's not take this all so gosh darn seriously! It's just a game! Also, I'm so secure in my hetero-masculinity that I'm not afraid to look this gay!"

Plus the one-eye-covered is kind of pirate-y looking and you know who loves pirates? The ladies.

Enjoy. Tomorrow: me at a rodeo. Or possibly on the moon. Depends on what Google gives me.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 9.4



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