Thursday, June 15, 2006
An Open Letter To Congressional Democrats
Looky here, people, I don't know what else a president is s'posed to do. I give some big ole tax cuts to some friends of mine and nothing. I make some clearly offensive nominations to Cabinet and Supreme Court positions and they sail on through. I start a whole war for no reason at all and I can't get the least little bit of resistance from anybody. Hell, that one just started as a joke between me and Dick Cheney where he bet me I couldn't undermine the basic tenets of both the United States and the United Nations at the same time and I bet him he couldn't shoot a guy in the face and get away with it. Johnnie Walker is some dangerous stuff when you're the Supremo Numero Uno with a whole military ready to do what you say.
But goddamn if you didn't let me and Dick tie.
I even started the wheels in motion to gut social security and people didn't say nothing about that. I know it failed, but that was just because I thought we were playing a game of chicken with Congressional Democrats and you cagey fuckers didn't blink, so I had to pull it.
I need to be able to blame somebody else for some of this crap and I can't get anyone to resist me. And now look at me. All the blame for these really bad ideas--and they were just ideas people, I didn't expect anyone to let me do any of it--is now falling directly on me.
I learned an important political lesson from my mom on the day she told me I was going to run for governor of Texas. It seemed like a stupid idea to me too, but man, by that time I'd moved through every stimulant known to man and was shooting a combination of cocaine and Drano right into my carotid, so I would have said yes to anything.
Anyway, what mom said--and I don't take political advice from dad since mom says he's kind of a pussy--is that you trot out some phoney-baloney issues and then cut your opponent off at the knees for being against America and/or God for not going along with it. Of course mom is for literally cutting people off at the knees--not everyone, just a strategic few, like for instance the children of your enemies--but I must have a little of my dad in me because I wasn't willing to go that far.
She tried to get dad to do it with flag burning, but that wasn't far enough. He got thrown out by the hippies and low-borns. So I've tried every batshit crazy-ass idea I could think of and what do I get out of it? A near 100% implementation rate. Come on, I nominated a guy for Chief Justice who said women don't belong in the workplace AND who is clearly gay.
You Congressional Democrats are officially cut off. I can't count on you people for anything. Now I'm going to have to invent some different enemies if only to keep me from offing myself from the sheer boredom of this job in the two years I have left.
I've already laid the groundwork to villify the Supreme Court; my Supreme Court, how ridiculous is that? But you spineless fuckers leave me no choice.
Judicial vs. Executive, that could work. If that doesn't, I guess I'll have to move on to a deep-seated idealogical battle with paraplegics or the Girl Scouts or something.
I will find some resistance somewhere. I'd do it by proposing we kill the firstborn male child of every immigrant family, but goddamn, I'm scared to death you people would let me do it.
Shape up, fuckos.
TOTALLY SKIPPABLE WORLD CUP SOCCER CONTENT SECTION
Ha, nearly forgot to put this in.
You know what, I was totally not looking forward to the Saudi Arabia-Tunisia game. The best I was hoping for was for some woman without a headscarf to come running on the field and frighten the players, but it turns out we didn't need that. 2-2 draw, but holy crap, what a game.
And then on top of that, the absolutely fantastic Germany-Poland match that was not only exciting soccer, but ended with NO DEATHS. Best of both worlds.
Friday Match of the Day: Netherlands v. Ivory Coast. noon Eastern/9 am Pacific, ESPN2. If only for the electric uniform colors clashing. FIFA will probably puss out and make one of them wear white, but the Orange and the Yellow... get your Day-Glo on, people.