Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Earth In The Balance
I don't have nearly as much time as I'd like. The ATF agent/caseworker I have staying at my house "observing" this week is convinced that my blog is loaded with secret messages and double-talk that LOOK like I'm talking about Angelina Jolie's hoo-ha but are really detailed instructions on how to make a bomb out of lemons and SoftScrub, which is stupid because everyone knows SoftScrub already HAS lemony goodness in it. Now lemons and Clorox, well, that's a different story...

He'll be busy for the next few minutes so I can blog. I know he won't bother me because I set him up on my laptop where I "accidentally" left the web browser open to the page for the Fuse TV show Pants Off Dance Off. No human being can resist the appeal. At least not a first.

See, it's this show where "regular people" volunteer to stand in front of a green screen on which music videos will be superimposed. Then said people will dance and COMPLETELY REMOVE ALL THEIR CLOTHES while dancing, stripper style.

First of all: Fuse comes to us from Canada originally. Who knew the Canadians were so disgustingly depraved? I feel better about the world.

Secondly, I know, "regular people" stripping sounds like a fun, sexy time for us, but really we should consider two sub-points to this already second point: a) some of these "regular people" list things like "porn actor" in their personality profile while others dance sort of like... well, let's just say their routine might look a little awkward only because they're used to performing with a stationary steel pole... what I'm saying is I don't know how "regular" some of these people are and b) regular people include people who look like this:

and this:

This just goes to reinforce my general point, really the basis of the philosophy that shapes and informs the very core of who I am as a person: "regular people" should never, EVER take their clothes off. I know I don't. I might take off a layer or two when I shower, but in the back of my mind, I'm always thinking of the good of mankind as a whole. That's why I haven't been totally naked since 1991.

But then I'm a humanitarian. I'm concerned with how my actions affect those around me. The potential cosmic consequences of full Popsian nudity are just too frightening to contemplate, historically, epistemologically, even meteorologically. One time I took off a hat I was wearing and a water-spout instantly formed. I immediately put the hat back on and it dissipated. I saved several boater's lives that day.

But that's me. I'm aware. I give. I sacrifice. And that's what I want all of you to tell the guy in charge of my parole review when he e-mails you.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 7.1



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