Sunday, August 13, 2006
...And Then We're Going To Connecticut...!
I turned 18 in 1992, which means I've voted in presidential primary elections out here in California a grand total of four times. When I first started, it really sucked because the primary was held in June, which meant our job out here in Cali was to pretty much vote for the one guy left on the ballot after all the people in the great states of Iowa and New Hampshire had thrown their collective weight around--political deciding-power totally commensurate with those states' giant populations--and decided the nominee for us.

At some point, somebody got the awesome idea that we out here should move our primary up to March, to "Super Tuesday." I don't remember whose idea it was, but I can be almost certain that the issue was decided by ballot initiative and a public vote. I'm sure because that's how ALL laws are made in direct-democracy California. We have a legislature, but we decided long ago (by ballot initiative!) that they should be stripped of all power. Now the only job the people in Sacramento are allowed to do is to Not Pass The State Budget. Of course it's silly because all the state budget money is already spoken for by ballot initiatives, spontaneously conceived by the people, brought to you by Exxon-Mobil. Or no, sorry, that's the "Coalition for Clean Air, Puppies and Delicious Cake" who are only funded and run by Exxon-Mobil. The point is, the legislature are just so adorable when they pretend to fight about stuff. With Cali's strict term limits, no one there has been there long enough to even know how to fight about stuff under parliamentary rules, so really it's like watching rhesus monkeys fighting over the last pomegranate. Only the monkeys are retarded and the pomegranate is really just an ambitious-looking rock.

The proposition that moved the California primary up worked like a charm, though, because instead of just having one guy to vote for, we had TWO to choose from! John Kerry and... some other guy. I voted for the other guy.

I would have liked very much for the opportunity to vote for Wesley Clark, but alas. Gone already. I would also have liked to at least consider voting for Howard Dean only to later change my mind. Yes, he was out in front on this anti-war thing. But also, he was fucking crazy.

Now Mr. Crazy is the head of the Democratic National Committee, which was covered in the news very heavily and resulted in Mr. Dean making the rounds on several talk shows doing a smug victory lap and doling out "I-told-you-so"s at a breakneck pace unequaled in history up until Al Gore just this year with his "End of the World Tour '06." I hear he closes with a totally uninspired spoken word version of "Hey Jude" that is 127 minutes long.

I've said here before that I am a registered Democrat. I'm also pretty sure that George Bush is the worst president in the history of presidenting. That is speaking domestically, but I think if you're talking about worst all-time in human history, he'd at least have to be in the conversation. He's not good at it.

But also know that I'm pretty sure that currently Chairman of the DNC is nearly the most useless job on the face of the planet. Being in charge of a political body with zero controlling presence at any federal level in any of the three branches of government I find unimpressive slightly. If I were still single, "Chairman of the DNC" would rank among the lies I would tell girls in order to get them to sleep with me somewhere between "proctologist" and "Ricky Martin roadie" (two jobs which, I suspect, involve very similar work). Yeah, blah blah, most important elections of our lives blah blah blah... I heard that in 2004 as well. And look what the job did for Terry McAuliffe. Terry who? Exactly.

I say nearly the most useless job because it is only out-done in ponderous irrelevance by the chairmanship of the Republican National Committee. Ken Mehlman's job is to Not Lose. And to Not Date Guys. At least not until his tenure is up at the head of the "God Hates Fags" party. He so loathes his own sexual orientation that he keeps helping his party win and consolidate power so that he can keep pushing back the date at which he will be fired and thus free to sate his gnawing hunger for schwanz. We accept our ass-kickings for your sake, Kenny. Remember, we're the party that feels for the gays. We see through you. Hold on to that status quo, baby.

I was keeping all that in mind when I read that Howard Dean was encouraging Joe Lieberman to drop out of his Senate race. Polls are showing Lieberman in the statewide race ahead of Lamont and the 40-pound chunk of rough limestone running as the Republican nominee. They put a crucifix neckalace around it amd they call it "Frank." They figured (rightly) that it would draw more interest (if only out of curiosity) than any actual human they could field to run vs. Lieberman or whomever else. Unsurprisingly, Frank currently runs a distant third.

My own view is yes, Joe Lieberman lost the Democratic primary. Great. So he is disallowed from running as a Democrat under the rules. But Howard Dean is now suggesting that a career politician with a not-insignificant, entrenched power-base in Washington AND a lead in the statewide polls should drop out of the race just because Howard Dean thinks it's a good idea.

There was a time not so long ago that Howard Dean thought this (left) would be a good idea. Sure, he got unfairly pilloried in the ravenous-shark-infested dunk-tank that is the traveling political press, desperate for any story to keep them busy so they can look occupied and avoid eye contact with all the other members of the traveling press corps they've slept with. It's cold and lonely way the fuck up in New Hampshire in December, folks. What happens in the press bus lavatory stays in the press bus lavatory.

However small a lapse "YEEEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!" is, it's still a lapse. I'm about 95% sure I'd vote for Lamont over Lieberman as well, but I don't think I'm qualified--and some of us are eminently and profoundly unqualified--to give unsolicited career advice in this arena.

And that's what this whole post is, unsolicited. Go ahead and run, Joe. But unlike Howard Dean's remarks, these occur within a blog. That means I'm automatically a self-conferred expert. Plus I can be both vulgar and repetitive.

Suck it, haters.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 10.0



Powered by Blogger