Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Real Time!
I've experimented with various forms of expression on this blog. Confessionals, short fiction, poetry, letters, dialogue, advice, long unbroken strings of what are usually unprintable expletives and vulgarity, etc. Some more than once.

What I have never tried is live-blogging an event. If you're not familiar with live-blogging, it's real-time commentary coinciding with an ongoing event. Often you will find live-blogging of major political speeches, press conferences, entertainment industry awards shows, or even (if you have a valid credit card) the sexual experiences of nubile yet innocent girls who are BARELY LEGAL!!!11!!1!

Today I am venturing, at last, into live-blogging territory. Yes, I've officially run out of ideas.

But you'll be intrigued when you learn what the subject is.

Dell computer company is recalling several laptop batteries because they could possibly CATCH FIRE AND EXPLODE!

Exciting isn't it?

Hey! I have a Dell laptop computer! And it has a battery in it!

What I have to do is go to this Dell consumer help website, input my information and find out if the battery in my laptop--which is right now not two feet to my right--might possibly CATCH FIRE AND EXPLODE!

Holy crap, what suspense!

OK, so the process actually just involves me inputting some data into the website to see if my battery is affected. Sounds like the worst live-blog event ever... until you remember the CATCH FIRE AND EXPLODE! part. I could be maimed for life. Probably when the mixture of ignited battery components melt into a frothy, acidic, napalm-y shrapnel goo and exlpode outward, I'll only be able to react fast enough to protect half my face, leaving me disfigured and driven mad by the pain and trauma, which would lead me to a life of crime propelled by the psychological damage done to half of my face, making me see the world as a stark dual morality, either side of which could be chosen by the flip of a coin. Oh, and I'd be pursued by the Batman. The whole process would probably hurt, but pain is a small price to pay for awesome.

So that's what's at stake for me here. What will I be when I'm done? Housefrau I am now or supervillain? I don't really want to say outright which one I'd prefer. But does anyone know what supervillains make? Break it down hourly for me so I can make an informed comparison. I'd hate to strap my laptop to my face (battery side down) for nothing.

OK, so here we go with the live-blogging.

I have to enter some goddamn number thing into some other thing. OK, let's have a look...

I'm looking for some serial number thingy. Holy crap, there are like 4 different serial-number strings on the back of this fucker. Oh, the one on the BATTERY... you know what, that makes sense.

Man, my palms are sweaty. It's not that I'm nervous. It's a medical condition. I hear you can get Botox injections in your palms to stop that, but I'm not really an "injections in your palms" type of guy. That seems like the sort of thing that would really interfere with my masturbation schedule.

Anyway, battery. OK, I'm removing the battery. Slowly... slowly... OK, I'm holding it in my hand. It's about the size and weight of a Klondike ice cream bar. I bet it's probably actually more nutritious to eat the battery than a Klondike bar, although I would bet the battery would be less sinfully delicious.

OK, data input has been achieved. That was a lot of numbers. There were even letters interspersed! I can't imagine how exciting it is for all of you to read this!

Now all I have to do is hit submit...


Ha, no actually, it was nearly as exciting as all that. This is the response I got:

No need to replace

That's it. Verbatim.

I don't know about you, but I'm shaking. Not so much from the tension but because I'm overdue for my methadone.

This was fun. Tomorrow, in the spirit of my kids' favorite show Mythbusters, I'll be live-blogging as I try various methods to see what it will take to get a non-recall laptop battery to CATCH FIRE AND EXPLODE! Probably by setting it on fire and hitting it with a hammer of some kind.

I will be a supervillain yet.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 1.0 [think of all the people this will be of service to!]



Ah, hell. Lots of pictures from good movies to choose from for ole Bruno. Press keeps going with When Harry Met Sally..., but I prefer The Freshman. Much more willfully silly. Like most movies he was in, Bruno didn't get the most screen-time, but he makes the film. Now two of the three people in the above picture are dead. Look out, Broderick. A reckoning is coming. You know, eventually.


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