Thursday, August 17, 2006
Things I Learned From Keira Knightley
They are cunning. They are ruthless. They are determined to infiltrate this country and bring it all crashing down on top of our heads. They don't care if they take themselves down with it. All they know is their mission and they will say or do anything to achieve it.

No, I'm not talking about terrorists. They don't really have to try that hard. For all the hullaballoo about security crackdowns at airports, 12 year old boys are still slipping unnoticed onto airplanes. To be fair, most of today's 12 year old boys have some mad stealth and infiltration skills from playing Metal Gear Solid. I can't be sure if that was an influence in this case because the article neglects to mention anything about the boy's close-in knife work.

No, as usual, I'm talking about foreigners in general, especially the ones who keep trying to come here and live lives and work. When are these people going to learn that all the immigrant slots have been taken? We did all the work already with the Germans and the Swedes and the Scottish and the Irish and the Poles and the Russians. Yes, we even let the Russians in. This was before we knew they were going to be dirty, godless commies. And a few scattered Chinese to help us with some specific projects we were working on at the time. We didn't really know they were going to stick around afterward, but we got chop suey and chow mein out of the deal, so everyone's happy.

Despite the fact that we're totally full-up (and look out your window the next time you fly across country, you'll see, there's NO ROOM LEFT), people keep trying to come here and stay. They're sneaky in the way they drop babies here. I'm cool with the babies because the babies are instantly Americans. I just feel bad for the babies because they have to live their whole young lives as Americans living with foreigners. That is an anguish I'm glad I can only imagine. No wonder they all grow up and want to go to college. No foreigners there.

My problem with the foreigners is that they bring with them some weird, old-timey ideas. I mean beyond that quaint preoccupation they have with doing unskilled scut work en masse for substandard wages so that we don't have to pay a lot for oranges. Or clean our own bathtubs. Or raise our own kids. These are the kinds of occupations that result from outmoded workaday thinking. It's so Dickensian. By the way, Dickens? Also a foreigner.

Now there's this one foreign lady in Chicago who is hiding out in a church claiming the ancient right of sanctuary, which used to hold that a church could shield a person from arrest so long as asylum was granted by the priest and the person stayed inside a certain specific area.

Crazy foreign people with their hocus-pocus religious ideas. Think of her seven year old American-born son. I'm sure he must be mortified. In private, I bet he's all "Go on mom, get deported. I love you, but there's no place for you here. You're foreign." The tragedy is she wouldn't be able to understand him because, as we all know, Americans speak English and foreigners do not.

See, this is what foreigners do. They march into this country unannounced and open up all kinds of crazy slippery-slope scenarios about what will happen to this country if we do nothing. "We'll all be speaking Spanish!" I've heard. I've also heard that their presence and reliance on public assistance will bankrupt the federal government, but ha! Way ahead of you, dirty foreigners! How many hundreds of billions on Iraq now? We bankrupt ourselves happily if it means we get to shoot some foreigners! U-S-A! U-S-A!

The new slippery slope is the use of archaic legal rights that may or may not have actually existed or even operated in the way we now understand them. Right now it's sanctuary. How long will it be before all foreigners in trouble start claiming the right of parley? I saw that first Pirates of the Caribbean movie. We capture Osama bin Laden (probably somewhere near Denver) and he immediately claims "Parley!" Then we have to take him to George Bush where they make awkward small talk over tea and sandwiches, some of his people get all offended about cucumbers not being halal, someone throws a saucer and next thing you know, gang fight in the Oval Office.

Or worse, we could see a reinvocation of the jus primae noctis where our foreign soon-to-be-overlords claim the right to bang our daughters on their wedding nights. I don't even have any daughters and I'm STILL not down with that. I saw Braveheart, people. That kind of behavior can only end in kilt-wearing and accent-having and eventually some kind of explosive self-destructive admixture of alcohol, driving and anti-Semitism.

How far will we let this go?

Storm the churches. Storm the churches.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 2.9



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