Monday, September 11, 2006
A Proclamation (With Amendations)
What follows is the president's annual order naming today, September 11th, "Patriot Day." I offer it for you with some slight additions and clarifications of my own. See if you can spot the changes!

If you are boring, not that smart and/or hate things that are fun, then you can always go here so you can cheat. Cheater.


Patriot Day, 2006
A Proclamation by the President of the United States of America

Remembering 9/11

On the fifth anniversary of the attacks of September 11, 2001, we recall the fire and horror at the twin towers of the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and a Pennsylvania field. America will always remember the thousands of innocent lives taken by the enemies of freedom that morning. It is not possible to forget as the images and news-feeds from that day have been pre-empting all broadcasts in every form of media. Those of you without televisions, computers or radios or just lacking in the inclination to remember what exactly Soledad O'Brien said at 11:38 that morning or how exactly Aaron Brown phrased his "Oh my God"s can expect a visit from your local Department of Justice case handler. Yes, you have one. Because you are a patriot.

In the face of these unspeakable attacks, we were reminded that the great strength of America is found in the hearts and souls of our citizens. And in our sculpted backs and thighs and buttocks. In our tricpes and deltoids and in our well-developed core regions. We witnessed firefighters, police officers, other public safety officials, and ordinary Americans demonstrate extraordinary courage, risking their lives to save innocent victims. We saw our country united in compassion as Americans came together to buy SUVs and re-join the armed forces by order and under threat of arrest after their terms of service had long since lapsed. May God bless them.

Today, America is fighting a war that is testing our Nation's resolve. That was my idea. Good job, so far. We are once again answering history's call with confidence, and we know that freedom will prevail. Our brave men and women in uniform have stepped forward to fight our enemies abroad so that we do not have to face them here at home, and we are grateful for the courageous individuals bringing terrorists to justice around the world. You might laugh, but let me ask you: when was the last time you saw an Iraqi Republican Guard tank battallion in your hometown? You can't argue with results.

We are also confronting the extremists in the great ideological struggle of the 21st century. You thought I forgot, didn't you? Yeah, OK, so they're #2 on my list, but at least they're on my list. Did you see that movie on ABC? Clinton didn't care about this stuff at all. Also, he was fat. September the 11th made clear that, in the long run, the only way to secure our Nation is to advance liberty and democracy as the great alternatives to repression and radicalism. By working together with our friends and allies, we are helping conflate unrelated geopolitical incidents, laying the foundations of peace for generations to come.

The events of September 11, 2001, will always be a defining moment in our history. Whatever you do, don't think about Katrina and New Orleans. Focus on this. I can't bomb a hurricane. We hold the victims and their families in our hearts, and we lift them up in our prayers.

By a joint resolution approved December 18, 2001 (Public Law 107-89), the Congress has designated September 11 of each year as "Patriot Day." We're embarrassed by the name now as we thought the New England NFL team would still be dominant as it was in 2002, but I guess we're stuck with it now. I want it noted for the record that from Day 1, I thought "Steeler Day" sounded a lot more bad-ass.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, PRESIDENT OF AMERICA GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim September 11, 2006, using the power afforded me as President, as Patriot Day. I call upon the Governors of the United States and the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico (really, Puerto Rico?), as well as appropriate officials of all units of government, to direct that the flag be flown at half staff on Patriot Day on pain of excommunication and deportation. You know who you are, Schwarzenegger and Granholm. I also call upon the people of the United States to observe Patriot Day with appropriate ceremonies, activities, and remembrance services, to display the flag at half staff from their homes on that day, to observe a moment of silence beginning at 8:46 a.m. eastern daylight time to honor the innocent Americans and people from around the world who lost their lives as a result of the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 and to vote Republican in the upcoming midterm elections. If the pictures of me hugging fatherless children on TV isn't enough to sway you, remember: this is a presidential order. I have tanks.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this seventh day of September, in the year of our Lord two thousand six, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-first, one thousand seven hundred and twenty six days since 9/11/01. There are 481 jellybeans in this jar. You can't see it, but there are. I can do math. I can.



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