Tuesday, October 31, 2006
All Our Yesterdays Have Lighted Fools The Way To Dusty Death
Every year around election time, people are always all up in my face. "Hey, what do we think about this issue? What do we think about that issue?"

Look, first of all, if you're going to step to me with a bunch of questions, you're going to have to be WAY more specific.

Secondly, I don't really have time for the now. As far as I'm concerned, there is no present for I am a visionary. Visionaries only see the time in two modes, the Awesome/Suckful That Will Be (you know, depending) and everything else is just a bunch of shit that already happened that I can't do fuck about anyway, so, like, fuck it.

I know, they're long-winded categories. That's why visionaries don't have T-shirts. Besides, slogans are faddish and fads are so right now, which is, like, over.

Honestly, do you care what I think about Proposition 84, the bond measure meant to improve water infrastructure and preserve land? Holy God, I don't even care what I think about that. "Preserve land"? What does that even mean? It sounds like some kind of hippie nonsense and I have no time for hippie nonsense.

And that's what ballot initiatives are anyway, either a) hippie nonsense or b) pharmaceutical companies trying to make it OK for them to cut Viagra with heroin. One side is just bitching and moaning about "breathable air" and "potable water" and the other just wants to make sure they're getting paid for giving you boners you're too stoned to know what to do with.

So that's why I decided to become a visionary: none of the issues in the present are worth my time; an attitude that really clears up a schedule, let me tell you.

Even though it's a week before the midterm election, I'm already looking ahead to the next election. That's right, bitches, 2008. The Big One. Presidential politics again. Since we all know how sweet the last go-round went in terms of blogging material (see: the first six months of my Archives), I'm ready to gear up again. It's like childbirth; it's such an inhuman amount of pain, your brain is actually capable of fogging that sense memory just enough to convince you to do it again. I don't know about you, but I never vote without an epidural.

2008 is two years away, and I've already got my guy. He just announced yesterday: San Diego-area Congressman Duncan Hunter is officially a Republican candidate for president in 2008.

That's right. The San Diego-area Congressman Duncan Hunter. You know, the one who made his name... uh... who's famous for... um... running for president?

Sure, you're probably thinking that Dunc-Hunt (I have a nickname for him already, using just first-syllables like the bad-ass gangsta he is) is my candidate because he's officially the only person running. Maybe that's true. Maybe when someone else comes along I'll re-evaluate. But I'm kind of stuck with this visionary thing. If I want to get on the 2008 train ahead of all y'all, this is the only engine running at the moment.

With Dunc-Hunt, I'm finding though, there is a lot to recommend. First of all, you have to admire his innate political instincts; announcing his candidacy for the next election before the election cycle we're in finishes. That's smart, because the way to run is as a stealth candidate, as an outsider who thumbs his nose at the Washington politics-as-usual. Anyone can get out there and let people know who they are in a rational and efficient manner. It takes a real maverick to throw your hat into the ring before there's even a ring. It's just that kind of outside-the-beltway thinking you can only get from a 13-term member of Congress.

Plus, he's almost a shoo-in to win since he's a Member of Congress. Congressmen have quite a record in presidential elections. Voters are usually eager to help someone make that leap from a constituency of 900,000--sometimes made up of up to four different municipalities!--straight into the Oval Office. It's a natural, logical step voters are very comfortable with. We know that once you've faced down the Chula Vista Rotary Club, Kim Jong Il looks like an effeminate midget in high heels and a bouffant hairdo.

Sure, Kim looks like that to everyone, but on top of actual real visual perception, Dunc-Hunt will also have an added layer of over-the-top compensatory machismo through which to filter the self-comparison. After all, he's an American. A Republican. And he will be president. I have seen it.

And I will continue to see it. So long as as he continues to run officially unopposed.

The only real problem I foresee is, after he's elected president, he should keep as far away from this dude as possible. Duncans and Macbeths don't mix. And I don't want to be reliant on the hippies and their pet projects. You never know when we might need a Birnam Wood handy and on-call.

Only 730-something days until Election Day!

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 3.8



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