Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Foley To Reveal Name Of Alleged Abuser
CLEARWATER, FLORIDA-- Disgraced former US Representative Mark Foley has announced plans to publicly name the man he said sexually molested him as a teenager, setting him on the path to be a drunk with gross overtones of pedophile. The announcement will no doubt completely absolve not only him but the entire Republican party of any and all complicity in the sordid episode wherein Foley tried to convince teenagers to have sex with him and then had it all covered up by GOP House leadership.

"It's time," Foley was probably quoted as saying in a preliminary interview conducted by AOL Instant Messenger, "to let the people know that I am sorry for what I did and--this is important--how it's not really my fault. Or failing that, that you should get back on that Catholic Church buggery thing you were all so excited about a few years ago so we can have this election already. I don't want the results there to be my fault either. My basic point: my total guiltlessness. Hey, do you work out?"

The Archdiocese of Miami released a standard boilerplate statement in preparation for the announcement, expressing all the usual sentiments about healing and forgiveness and how it's all zero-tolerance now, hate the sinner love the sin, and LOOK! IS THAT MEL GIBSON!? HE HATES THE JEWS!

Foley appeared briefly on a second-floor balcony at the Scientology-run rehabilitation center in Clearwater, Florida. Flanked by his new Scientology best friend on one side and his new girlfriend Kirstie Alley on the other, he offered this brief statement:

"I know it doesn't totally excuse my actions, but I have not had an easy life. I used an episode of inappropriateness from youth define how I expressed myself toward young people as I grew older. I see now that that was wrong. I just want you to understand where this behavior came from. You see, in 1970, I was sexually molested by Bill Clinton."

Foley was then whisked away from public view, leaving behind a gaggle of stunned reporters and a pile of neatly typed informational packets outlining the details of the encounter between Foley and the future 42nd President of the United States, an abridged copy of Dianetics and a few B12 supplements and gingko biloba pills.

In the handout, Foley alleges that in 1970 Clinton, on his way to Yale Law, along with Vince Foster, John Kerry and a couple of Arkansas state troopers stopped off in Florida for some late summer revelry. The then-16-year-old Foley was allegedly on his knees at prayer between his summer jobs at the Florida Blind Homeless Veteran Center and at Li'l Odd Paws Cripple Puppy Care Farm when Clinton and his cohort surrounded him, pinned him to the ground and anally penetrated him with several objects including a cigar, one of the state troopers' hats, the letter (rolled up) Bill Clinton used to dodge the draft, and finally Mr. Clinton himself.

Upon finishing the act, Clinton allegedly whispered in Foley's ear as he left: "If you don't fuck a Congressional page by the time you're 53, I will find you and I will kill you. Just like I'm going to kill Foster here."

Asked for comment, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said: "It's a sad, sad story, but it makes perfect sense now. Nothing is left unexplained. Now, how about these job numbers today, eh? Also: 9/11."

The reaction by the Roman Catholic Church can only be described by a heavy sigh and slinking off into the background, making as little noise as possible.

The news of Clinton's involvement comes as a shock, especially after the very recent revelation of Foley's ongoing homosexual relationship with Florida Governor Jeb Bush.

No further personal comment has been made or is expected from Mr. Foley. He remains in the care of Scientology, the well-financed religious group known to have vitamin-ed the gay out of Tom Cruise and (to a lesser extent) John Travolta.


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