Monday, October 23, 2006
Monday Lite: Flying Petrelli Brothers
So again, porn star Mary Carey is running for governor of California. Great, I think, perfect. Someone on the ballot has to represent the segment of the California population that knows what a "dirty sanchez" is, I feel.

I welcome Ms. Carey because I enjoy finding ways to waste my God-given right to vote. Usually I do it by bingeing on Halloween candy and blacking out for much of the first half of November thus forgetting to actually vote, but occasionally I will find someone just funny enough to consider supporting. Like Gary Coleman or Charo or Gray Davis. But now Mary Carey has suddenly withdrawn from the race, just before the Election Day money-shot.

She says it's because her mother unexpectedly threw herself off a four-story building. Mmm, convincing. Best acting job ever.

Anyone else here seen the new show Heroes? In that one, this guy running for Congress has his campaign interrupted by his kid brother being injured after jumping off a roof. But the kid brother doesn't die. Know why? Because his wanna-be Congressman big brother saved him. Because he can fly.

The fall was covered up as a... anyone? Anyone? That's right: suicide attempt. Because nobody votes for the guy who can fly. Who can relate to that? Not only is the Flying-American community not what it once was, but they are almost completely politically disengaged. You would be too if you could spontaneously lift off with a thought. The problems of the world look so very small from 15,000 feet, suspended by nothing but an unexplainable inborn ability to generate a personal anti-gravity field. You know the chicks dig it. Who's got time to vote when there are flight groupies to bang?

And now this Mary Carey thing and I think it's only reasonable that we reach one conclusion: Mary Carey is secretly a superhero.

I don't know that her power is necessarily flight. I'm also fairly certain it isn't hyper-smart-ness, although I do reserve the possibility that this stupid-porn-star thing is a Clark-Kent-like act so she can ply her superhero hyper-smart trade in secrecy and peace.

No, I think most likely her power is to induce teenage boys to masturbate. All she needs to do is engage in a sex act either with another man, a woman, multiple partners or just the right cylindrical inanimate object, have the act filmed and distributed widely via a well-financed, fast moving network of both digital and traditional media.

These heroes toil in silence. They swoop into our lives leaving behind only friction burns, shame and that piquant misused lotion smell. There's an analogy in there somewhere with the Lone Ranger and silver bullets, but I've never been that in to anal play.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 7.3



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