Friday, November 10, 2006
In Brightest Day, In Blackest Night
Now that I am mostly well, the invading microbes dragged out behind my liver and throttled by the sheer brawn of my robust and hairy-chested immune system, I can finally spend some time on this blog doing what I do best: talking at length about what I'm going to write about instead of just writing it.

Or we could just skip all that and I could jump right to the thing I'm second best at: astute political analysis. Anyone who has spent any time reading this blog remembers my bold, daring predictions of Kerry victory in '04, the defeat of the Gray Davis recall campaign in California and the stunning success of my petition drive to amend the Constitution to require the sterilization of Kevin Federline.

You may notice that all these predictions were actually, technically, wrong. But remember, I didn't say "right". I said "bold". As in bold. Flaunting the conventional wisdom. Because I am a Maverick. Just like Tom Cruise's character in Top Gun or Mel Gibson's in that one he was in... what was it called... Jodie Foster was in it... oh yeah! Maverick. And I like to think that my unwillingness to conform on questions that can be mathematically measured makes me at least as publicly respected as those two men.

Thats' why I'm with George Will when he declares conservatives the real winners of the 2006 midterm elections. The numbers say Democrats won, but you know what George says? And I agree with him, by the way: fuck numbers.

No, I don't mean that literally. I'm not really sure how you'd do that. Unless maybe you cut one out of some thick foam, preferably a 6 or an 8, something with a closed loop in it, maybe lubed it up a little I guess... it can be done, but that's not the point. The point is that just looking at a compilation of irrefutable results and accepting them as such? Anyone could do that. It takes an exceptional person, a person of deep convictions, carefully cultivated intelligence and unfathomable courage to face down obvious defeat and react with blind, knee-jerk contrarianism. To me, that's a hero. That and Green Lantern.

I understand where George Will and many of his fellow Republicans, legitimate and blogger, are going. There has to be a future path laid out because otherwise, a stinging defeat as Tuesday's was can lead to lots of paralyzing soul-searching, infighting, finger-pointing and name calling until as a party, they find themselves wandering aimlessly through neighborhoods in their boxers and open bathrobe, stumbling through people's yards, eating pre-made Pillsbury sugar cookie dough straight out of the wrapper, nominating John Kerry for president. I've seen it happen. It isn't pretty.

What I think we are about to see is a return to this idea of "limited government" that used to be a conservative watchword before George W. "Spendyface" Bush became president. This means fiscal responsibility as well as (and more importantly) a strategic retreat from the interference portion of the Republican program on many of the social issues, including stem cell research and gayness.

As far as gayness goes, backing away from that as an issue will be tough to swallow, partly because it worked so well in 2000 and 2004 and partly because, well, for most evangelicals, it's just too icky to contemplate letting people do. But there's no law against other disgusting things like Brussells sprouts or Smashing Pumpkins music, so you can't legislate people not being gross. Plus, I think they're learning that gay is only contagious if you keep rubbing up against it, even if you're ostensibly trying to fight it. It got Ted Haggard and Mark Foley that way. Any of them could be next.

Also, with the stem cell thing, well, sure, it's a core belief, but sometimes you have to compromise those for the greater good. Stem cells could hold the cure for Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. The first one, if it got fixed, would keep Michael J. Fox off TV for good. The second, well... that's the important one, isn't it?

We need stem cell research to help us understand the basic genetic code, how it functions and how to manipulate it. That will be beneficial when the Republicans also back away from resistance to human cloning.

It sounds unlikely, but it is coming. We need the cures, we need the knowledge. The cure we need for Alzheimer's mostly. Without it, there would be almost no point in the ultimate and obvious goal: the laboratory recreation of Ronald Wilson Reagan.

It is in this direction that the post-reprimand GOP is leaning. Why just be "inspired" by Reagan when you can actually have him back? We have the technology. We could make him better, strong, faster, conservativer. No more forgetfulness. When we do Iran-Contra II, New Reagan will say "Yeah, I fucking remember, bitches. It was all me. I don't forget anything. And I won't forget any of you," and then kick out the Special Prosecutor's windpipe with his bionic leg.

When New Reagan trades "arms for hostages" he will send them the actual human arms of the hostage-taker's children and they will surrender, forever immobilized, curled up and weeping in lamentation and healthy respect for a man not just human: American.

No evil shall escape his sight.

Obama in '08.

Reagan in '12.

You heard it here first.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 2.0



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