Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Power To Be, Power To Give, Power To See, Yeah Yeah
I keep hearing from people--mostly the guy who lives on the side of the freeway on-ramp with the cardboard sign and no pants--that Jesus loves everybody, without exception; that His love is so complete, unconditional and based on forgiveness that it encompasses the whole world, even non-Republicans and Jews.
That's the part of faith that I've always had trouble accepting. Really, He loves everyone? Then how does anyone explain suffering, deprivation, deformity, murder, birth defects, Kevin Federline etc.?
And what about me? I'm an OK guy, but I'm far from perfect. For example, when I was in high school and college and maybe for a while after that up to and including while I am typing this I went on something of a masturbation bender. Too much sharing, I know, but all I'm saying is how can Jesus love me for that when I can't even get the Guinness World Record people on the phone about it?
Most of my wondering has been put to rest recently, however. The self-abuse thing is still a problem, but at least now I have some hard evidence that I am beloved of God. Below please find attached the annotated copy of the real and actual e-mail I very recently received.
My remarks are interspersed in easy-to-find Blood-of-Our-Savior-red.
Dear blog author:
see? I am a "blog author"! This means ME!
We recently came across your site, popsbucket.blogspot.com, while searching for fellow christian bloggers.
I'll be honest with you, I have no idea how this is possible. The only thing I can figure is that they did some kind of keyword search and found this post which included the phrase "Jesus, Mary Mother of Donkeyfucking God That Hurts". I guess any appeal to heavenly authority counts as prayer.
A small group of us have started a new site called Christian Bloggers. Our prayer and intent is to bring Christians closer together, and make a positive contribution to the Internet community. While many of us have different "theologies", we all share one true saviour.
This is where the red-flag went up. "Saviour"? We are clearly dealing with foreigners here. Best case: British. Worst case: Canadians. I want to accept Jesus as my personal sav... messiah, but my guard is up now. Any minute they're going to tell me they want to deposit $100 million in my bank account if only I can hand over my account number in the name of Christian charity. Fool me once... won't get fooled again.
Would you be interested in joining Christian Bloggers? Well, I don't really know... Please take a few minutes to have a look at what we are trying to do, and if you are interested, there is a sign up page to get the ball rolling. I guess it can't hurt to look and really I haven't been a part of any group since the Cub Scouts kicked me out for skimming the soap-box derby money and my tepidly non-committal views on sodomy We would greatly appreciate your support in this endeavour.
Ah, so close! Damn you people and your seducer's tongues! Nearly had me, but "endeavour" let me wriggle right off the hook. I don't know that I can be part of any organization that doesn't know how to close. First prize is a Cadillac. Second prize? Set of steak knives. Third prize is YOU'RE FIRED.
May God Bless you and your blogging efforts. I don't mean to be boastful, Gordon Canuck, but I think one look at the quality of my work will let you know exactly where God stands with regard to my efforts. We look forward to hearing from you.
So that's it. The Jesus sales pitch. I think I'm going to pass on this one, but I'd be lying if I said to you that just knowing Jesus is out there inspiring people to send me fill-in-the-blanks faceless, mass-produced solicitation e-mails hadn't lifted the darkness from my heart, if only a little. The only thing that makes me kind of sad is when I think about the depths of inhuman depravity to which I will have to sink in order to get that darkness back. I am, after all, both a natural sinner (as we all are) and a creature of habit.
Getting my groove back will probably make for some good blog material, however. Yet another example of the inspirational nature of faith.
First up: gluttony. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
Second: sloth. I'll see you all probably Sunday night. That is, if I'm not up to Lust by then.
This post on the Narcissus Scale: 9.825
PS- The draft is a sure bet now. We have killed for less. Buenos noches, Buenos Aires.