Thursday, November 30, 2006
RE: To The American People
SENDTO: "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad" [firstname.lastname@example.org]
FROM: "Korvath Ganymede MacLeish Horrington III" [email@example.com]
In the name of God and Jesus and all them others--may they bestow upon you all kinds of blessings and whatever just like you said--I say to you: 'sup, bitch?
I just wanted you to know I got your letter. I'm glad and all that you took the time to write, but goddamn, it's been like six months since I sent you that last e-mail. Way to leave a brother hanging, 'Moud. And I'll be damned if I can get you on IM anymore. I thought we were boys?
Just to get the personal stuff out of the way, everything here is fine I guess. Me and Becky Sue broke up a long time ago, so I'm pretty much done with all that. I heard she is going to have Donnie the Weird Janitor's baby any day now and that will be a little strange. I don't mean socially or emotionally, I mean I think that kid is going to be born with a snake-tongue or two assholes or something. Just like his dad. But, you know, that's what Becky Sue couldn't wait for, so good luck to them.
It's good that you eventually wrote back, but I won't lie, I was a little put off. "To all the American people"? That's a little impersonal. Just so you know, I'm sending you this in STRICTEST CONFIDENCE. If the shit I just said about Becky Sue gets out, I'll know it was from you, bitch. President of Iran or not, I will find you and I will fuck your shit up.
Sorry. That was a little aggressive. But I am kind of mad about your letter. You know, you see a lonely looking guy all alone in a hookah bar in Montmartre, the weight of the world (or at least the United Nations Security Council) on his shoulders, you strike up a conversation, do some sight-seeing, crèpes and cappuccino at the little café overlooking the Seine... maybe that doesn't mean much where you come from, but in America, that's the cornerstone of a lifelong friendship. Or maybe a gay romance, but I promised to stop asking you about that, so pretend I didn't say anything.
I expected more from you than a bunch of condescending nonsense about how we don't know what we were doing, we've all been duped by the Bush power machine, blah blah blah. And how if we would only listen to you, everything will work out OK for us.
You have to think about these things from an American perspective, 'Moud. Your words are always going to be taken with a grain of salt. That's really something you should have thought about before you went and joined the Axis of Evil. Maybe there was something lost in the translation, but man, it's got "evil" right in the name. International-credibility-wise, I'd say that was a lapse in judgment on your part.
You have to know your audience. You talk about Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo. Sure, nobody is happy about what's going on there, but I think you overestimate the level of outrage. We're talking about people stranded on an island, in a completely hostile environment, subjected daily to all manner of personal degradation and assaults on their personal dignity in an effort to break their will. Have you never seen one episode of Survivor? What I'm saying is that it doesn't mean the same to you as it does to us. I think a significant number of Americans aren't 100% sure someone isn't going to walk out of Gitmo one day with a million dollars and a first-look production deal at CBS.
There are some things in the letter, you should know, that an outsider just shouldn't bring up. You mentioned Katrina. Look, we know Bush is a fuck up, but better or worse, he's our fuck up. If you want to criticize, do it on a comedy-talk show like everyone else. Hell, Musharraf did eight minutes on The Daily Show. You can't do twenty with Bill Maher? I know he's half Jewish, but there are rules we follow as a society.
Speaking of that, I didn't disagree with everything you said. "What have the Zionists done for the American people that the US administration considers itself obliged to blindly support these infamous aggressors? Is it not because they have imposed themselves on a substantial portion of the banking, financial, cultural and media sectors?"
I'm not going to say a lot more about that except to ask: did you hear the story about the guy who returned a lost wallet to a Jew in New York? The Jew was so grateful, he told the guy "Get out of the city before September 11th!" The guy was like, "Whatever!" and he regretted it. It's like the Zionist KNEW the President was going to be in Manhattan to exploit the five year anniversary of the attack before he got there. The guy who gave back his wallet didn't listen and totally got stuck in presidential-motorcade traffic for, like, hours. It makes you think is all I'm saying.
You offered us advice, now let me offer you some: stop with the nuclear bomb stuff. Please. Kim Jong Il wouldn't listen (he says "Hi!" by the way) and now look what happened to him. He can't get any new motorcycles or cognac or furs. None! Do you want that to be you, 'Moud? Please, be careful.
Anyway, that's about it.
Hey, have you seen that Britney beaver shot? I'm totally going to attach it. It's awesome.
I still dream of Montmartre. I'm there and you're there. And Toulouse-Latrec. He does paintings of us with his little stubby arms. Little people are funny.