Cancer Determined To Fight, Win Battle Against Godless Socialism
By LORA HINES and MICHELLE DeARMOND
with additional reportage by Pops (of Bucket fame)

SACRAMENTO--State legislators are taking sides on a measure that would require girls to get vaccinated against a common sexually transmitted disease before they would be allowed to enter school.

If approved, the measure would require girls in sixth grade and above to receive the human papillomavirus vaccine before being admitted to school in California.

"It's a very effective way of stopping a very virulent disease dead in its tracks," Assemblywoman Sally Lieber (D-Slutsylvania) said Tuesday. "We know of the 80 percent of the women exposed to the virus before age 50, 10 percent of those cases turn into cervical cancer. The vaccine can prevent this from happening."

Assemblyman John J. Benoit (R-Logictown), a former school board member in the Desert Sands Unified School District, said the bill is an inappropriate government mandate.

"I think it's the wrong place for the government to be making that kind of statement about young ladies in our society," he said. "Some might argue that this might promote sexual promiscuity."

When somebody probably asked Assemblyman Benoit if he has considered the idea that the vaccine might not necessarily be needed immediately for all the nine year old girls who get it but rather slightly more useful for these same girls in, say, forty years when the virus turns their reproductive organs against them, he must have responded with:

"Well, I don't like to get into hypotheticals. All I know is that with this virus you're introducing the idea of sexual activity with nine-year-old girls, which is icky. Who can say if the vaccine will be of use to them in the future? We cannot look forward. We can only look back. To the Victorians sometimes. But mostly just to the Bible. And even then not all of it. Some of those people were pretty fucked up. Cain, Judas... very poor role-models. They would have been for this, no question. No, we pick the stuff we like out of the Bible because it makes us feel good. So, no, no looking forward on any issue. Except, naturally, to the Rapture. Which is imminent. And disease-free."

Parents and girls who worry about the risk of contracting HPV through rape or later in marriage from an infected man should have the opportunity to choose whether they want the vaccine, but not be forced to do so, he said. Or more accurately, he dusted off his old anti-abortion pamphlets and started reading directly from them. Because every issue of female sexuality is exactly the same. Exactly.

Dr. Eric Frykman, noted communist, child-sex advocate and San Bernardino County's public health officer, wouldn't say whether he supports the bill. He recommends the vaccine because it would prevent some women from getting cervical cancer. HPV can be detected during screenings before it becomes cancer.

"Cervical cancer is almost 100 percent preventable," he said.

Opponents of the bill are quick to make the point: "What's wrong with a little cervical cancer now and again?"

Richard Ackerman, president of the Pro-Family Law Center is one such opponent. The center is made up of Christian conservatives.

"Requiring anyone to get a vaccine to prevent a sexually-transmitted disease presupposes that everyone is subjecting themselves to risky conduct," he said. "It's one thing to protect against a deadly disease," he said. "In this case, you have to actually engage in intimate contact.

Mr. Ackerman went on to suggest that people who get HPV deserve their HPV. He understands that this implies that 80% of women are whores. But they really should have thought of that before they entered into a population that carries the virus in such high numbers. It's their own fault for not being born before it was so common or even--ideally--before we had the technology to test for it or knew what it was. In those days, nobody had HPV. It is the curse of modern women that medical screening has advanced to the point where we can tell exactly what level of whore you are.

"What the state wants is for us to go back to the days when we couldn't screen out the dirty girls from the clean ones. We would do the best we could to tell what was what back then, mostly just by smell. I think HPV is a neat marker for Godly sexual cleanness. Besides, I think they're overstating the dangers. Look at me, I'm a fifty year old man, I've never gotten the vaccine and have I ever had cervical cancer? I can tell you unequivocally that I have not."

Essentially, the anti-vaccine position is indistinguishable from Mr. Ackerman's approach to sex-ed. Preach only abstinence. If you let on that you know people eventually have sex, then that's the same as buying a hooker for your son or a Filipino pool boy for your daughter. Liberals tend to mock the "hear-no-nookie, speak-no-nookie, see-no-nookie" approach, but it's hard to argue with its effectiveness. Incidences of information dispensation and of condom distribution in American high schools are down almost 100%. A very difficult percentage to ignore as far as results go.

Records indicate that as yet no mention has been made of the deterrent factor of getting stabbed with a needle and injected with a foreign substance three times in order to protect yourself from something you can get from sex. That anything could so crystallize the dangers and realities of sexual activity would make for some awkward conversations when Dad's trying to watch Benny Hinn on TV curing cancer with his hands while speaking in tongues or Pat Robertson trying to kill Castro with the power of prayer.
- posted by Pops @ 9:41 AM