Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Say Hello To My Little Friend
I'm not trying to make this an all-gossip type blog, I'm really not. But it's not like I can regale you all with hoary stories about the maddening misadventures of my misanthropic co-workers seeing as I have none, misanthropic or otherwise. It makes it harder to blog I guess, but at least I don't have to think of nicknames or initials for everyone.
I know the last thing anyone wants (and by "anyone" I mean "me specifically") is for this to become a blog about the adorable things my children do. They're kids. They do kid things. Sometimes they call things by the wrong name or conflate two ideas with comedic results. But these are not unexpected comedic results, none of which can be written about without leaning dangerously into Family Circus territory. Stupid fucking Billy can't just walk anywhere in a straight line, can he? And no one ever thinks to check him for ADHD.
Like all housewives before me, that leaves only celebrity gossip to fill my time. I never used to care about it until I started writing this goddamn blog and now, somehow, I know Hillary Duff is single. And who Hillary Duff is.
Sometimes the interest is purely prurient voyeurism. Other times is purely blog-practical (hmm, Nicole Kidman news or a graphic recount of my hemorrhoid flare-ups? Yes, you are welcome).
Other times the things I read completely lock my brain up and I have to sit and think for a good long time before anything makes any kind of sense again.
I read this ridiculous story about how Paris Hilton was backing out of something besides a vigorous video-documented reverse cowgirl.
The hotel heiress canceled an appearance at Monday night's Billboard Music Awards because she didn't like the jokes written for her, according to a spokesman.
"It is my understanding that some satirical references ridiculed some of her peers," her spokesman, Elliot Mintz, said in a statement.
Wham! Do you see it? Got me right in the face. "...ridiculed some of her peers..."
That was like 10 minutes of my life, sitting practically catatonic as I tried to work out what exactly a Paris Hilton "peer" might entail. Deep questions, like for instance: would one have a tail?
And then I shook out of it as I thought "Wow, how bad of a Leif Garrett joke could it have been?"
I mean, the list has to be short, right? Inexplicable celebrity, no measurable social contribution, active hastening of the erosion of our greatness as a nation... Leif Garrett, everyone who's ever been on The Real World, one of those potted mini-cacti...
No, that's not fair. At least the cactus contributes to the environment by not being a stuck-up water-whoring jade plant or something. You're not fooling anyone, jade plant. I know a jumped-up non-edible artichoke when I see one.
Just for balance, I will include here (stolen from The Superficial) the text of a recent Tina Fey interview with Howard Stern concerning Ms. Hilton and bid you all good day.
Howard Stern: What is Paris Hilton like?
Tina Fey: She's a piece of shit. The people at SNL were like maybe she'll be fun, maybe she won't take herself so seriously. She takes herself so seriously! She's unbelievably dumb and so proud of how dumb she is. She looks like a tranny up close.
Howard Stern: Was she bad on SNL, was she hard to deal with?
Tina Fey: She was awful. People never come in and say "I'm not doing that." So, this guy Jim Downey wrote a really really funny sketch, it was supposed to be Lorne Michaels just finding out that she had a sex tape and telling her she couldn't host the show because SNL has standards... So she was like "I'm not doing it!" and refused to come out of her dressing room. Also, you would walk down the hall and find what just looked like nasty wads of Barbie hair on the stairs... Her hair is like a Fraggle.
Howard Stern: Did she give you ideas for sketches?
Tina Fey: Yeah, she wanted to make fun of all the girls she hates. She was like "I want to play Jessica Simpson, I hate her." She would come in the room and say "you should do a show about Jessica Simpson because she's fat."
Howard Stern: What was the bet you guys had going about her?
Tina Fey: The cast had a bet if she would ask anyone on the cast anything about themselves, you know like how are you? where are you from? anything. I think Seth Meyers won because at one point, she asked him if Maya Rudolf was Italian.
The end. You're all a little less cultured because of me.
I will be "meaningful" again tomorrow. I hear there's some righteous Britney news.