Wednesday, December 27, 2006
The Sub-Continent
It is this time of year when the work-year grind slows down just enough for us to pick our heads up, to look around. We do what we can for others, we surround ourselves with friends and family, lending us a fresh perspective outside of the everyday drudgery so that we can evaluate our lives and better understand the things that are important to us.

For me for instance, this year I found out what was really important to me at a basic, core level, foremost of which is to not be surrounded by friends and family.

My God, they are everywhere. They want to touch things and talk about stuff and ask questions and interrupt scheduled downtime with their pernicious interfacing, all of which is hostile to my regular program of video games and the NFL Network.

Plus the eating. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I had three consecutive days of Christmas dinner this year, each one under the influence of familial enablers. We spend our time and money and energy getting them all out here so that we can be together and they repay me by trying to make me have to buy new pants.

Just in case you were considering sending ole Pops some crumb-top apple pie or chocolate no-bake cookies, let me just assure you that I am well covered in that area, thanks very much. Save yourself the postage. I am, however, accepting gift-cards. To any place that does not deal in service or retail selling of comestibles of any kind.

Although I will say the one positive is that I've saved myself several seconds per day by no longer having to wear a belt.

In order to get myself back to my pre-holiday fightin' weight, I'm going to have to go on a prolonged hunger strike. Like Gandhi, only without the principles. Or the non-violence. I have a cousin who keeps trying to force homemade fudge on us and she does not respond to verbal refusals. I feel kind of bad about using force, but I remind myself that every so often, I'm sure even Gandhi had to smack a bitch. Like, for instance, the whole British Empire. They tried to make him eat shit he didn't want to eat too. And now India has nuclear weapons. See where this can lead? Pace yourselves, people.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 9.9



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