Friday, February 09, 2007
Our Lady Of The Onion Rings
Wow. Anna Nicole Smith is dead. I'm completely shocked. Mostly by the level of shock I don't feel.
I bet we find out she died of some rare congenital heart condition she was not aware of, sparking a national debate on the issue leading to a revolutionary screening process, saving thousands of lives every year with the research funded by the charitable organization founded in her name.
That or enough ketamine to kill a bull elephant.
Heart thing... ketamine... LEONARD BERNSTEIN!
Ha, I don't know why that leapt into my head. That song is wholly inappropriate here. End of the world? Only if by "the world" we mean "the current climate of fear and distrust spearheading a general geopolitical cooling wherein disparate interests resolve to settle disputes with assymetrical, non-conventional paramilitary violence and nuclear proliferation as a first resort" then yes, the death of Anna Nicole Smith appears to truly be the "end of the world as we know it."
What did she do for us while she was alive? Very little. Past taking a few very high quality nude pictures fifteen or so years ago, it seemed like her life was dedicated to humanity the same way plantar fasciitis is dedicated to your foot.
But get her away from the airbrush and within 150 feet of a plate of cheese-fries and, well... the rest of her life in a nutshell.
Then she died. And since then... since... my God. Talk about learning not to judge a book by the giant fake tits on its cover.
Anna Nicole Smith dies and what do we have?
Agreement between Hamas and Fatah.
A chastened, negotiating North Korea talking about total unilateral nuclear disarmament.
Oversight of the financial abuses and war profiteering in Iraq.
She hasn't even been dead a full day and look what she's done already. It only makes sense that the total vacuity of the life she led would result in a robust, intense period of human improvement on a grand scale when she died. It's basic Newtonian physics. Or, in this case, Popsian karmic bullshit metaphysics. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The rubber band has snapped back. That twang and sting of joy you feel is there for the whole world to enjoy.
The hole she cut in the world, the expanding and contracting absence of usefulness, the summary human negative, has been removed. Nature abhors a vacuum, so what rushes to fill it up? Good results in things that matter.
I admit it, I was talking out of my ass when I started typing this. But now the power of my own persuasiveness has persuasived me. When Hitler died, didn't World War II end? That can't have been a coincidence.
I'm going to stop now because I'm scaring myself. This is how religions get started.
Well, that and soliciting funds.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go set up a dedicated PayPal account.
This post on the Narcissus Scale: 7.4