Sunday, March 18, 2007
Accomplished Mission
I know the political posts bore some of you, but that's OK, I understand. I know it can get repetitive having to listen to me drone on and on about the things I decide are important, willfully ignorant and/or stubbornly dismissive of all contrary points of view. But I figure, you know, it works for Fox News.

See now, I'm ashamed of myself. That shot at Fox News was completely gratuitous and, what's worse, predictable. I'm always the least comfortable blogging when I'm writing things you can all sort of see the obvious end to. Remember, I'm the guy who brought you the Talking Celebrity Penis Advice Column. I like unorthodox; not really bothered with what you might have to sacrifice sometimes to get it. Like tact. Or class. Or decency. Or really even basic quality. Just so long as it keeps you guessing.

Political posts--once the author's leanings have been deduced--are really a no-win situation if your stock-in-trade happens to be unpredictability. I have a hard time imagining any of you wondering "Hey, I can't fathom whom Pops might have voted for in the last election."

I find it much easier to imagine you wondering that while you are naked, however. Yes, you. All of you. Not all together, but individually. You know, because I respect you as a person. A naked, naked person. While sitting on a stone bench in a public square in front of a large fountain the centerpiece of which is a peeing cherub. And eating an ice cream cone. You, not the cherub. Yes, I'm sick, but in a really very specific way that is either totally harmless or serial-killer-in-training. I guess we'll only find out for sure when after I figure out how to get your addresses from your IP number thingies. Which could be any day now.

The point is, I wanted to talk about politics for a second, but I wanted to warn you that what I was going to say might totally surprise you.

I am reconsidering my position on the George Bush presidency.

Have I gone insane? Am I just a sociopathic contrarian bastard bent on doing the opposite of whatever a majority of people are doing? I will say that that was the reason I stopped being a Justin Timberlake fan. I was fine following his career while he was toiling away as an anonymous member of a little can-do indie outfit called *NSYNC, just one of five, working their way up gigging in, I don't know, probably coffee houses and little juke joints for a decade or more before being plucked from obscurity. And then Justin goes solo and he's all #1 record in the country and that was it for me. All that *NSYNC integrity, just wasted. Bye bye bye. Gone. This I promise you. And I want it that way.

Listen, George Bush has gotten a fair amount of stick about his inability to do... well, really anything associated with the job of chief executive of the most powerful nation in the history of all mankind.

But consider: is the mere fact that he can't do what we expect with any level of basic competence any reason to dismiss him?

Yes, of course, but before we do, I would like to point out that he has done just about everything he said he would do. The record is astonishing.

  • "I am a uniter, not a divider" This was a deeply bifurcated, wildly distrustful nation of Blue and Red States, one Fort Sumter away Confederate General Peter Pace descending on Washington to purge it of the gays (a direct threat to Congress... talk about your Rump Parliament! Hey-o!). And then George Bush arrived to bring us together. After he tore us apart, sure, but then there was the together thing. See, nearly 70% of the nation believes he sucks at his job. When was the last time 70% of people agreed on anything? Those 4 out of 5 dentists who recommended Dentyne, that's when. George Bush has given us unity. And not just any unity; approaching cinnamon-gum unity.

  • "The United States should not be involved in 'nation building.'" I know, I know. Say what you want, but have you seen Iraq or Afghanistan lately? Do they seem nation-built? Promises kept, sir.

  • Weapons of Mass Destruction Finally, I say to you doubters: HA! Chemical weapons are being used in Iraq even as you read this. Did it take four years? Is it mostly our fault by creating the insurgency situation? Sure. But is it more or less our fault than the original chemical weapons we sold Saddam Hussein in the first place? See, not only do we win on merit, but we win in relative moral terms as well.

    I don't know about you, but I am buoyed. Mostly I just can't wait to see how that Hurricane Katrina thing turns out for the best, long-term. Not for New Orleans specifically (because, I mean, holy fuck, right?) but just as a political and/or semantic abstraction. Which, as an American voter, is all I'm really interested in.

    This post on the Narcissus Scale: 10.0



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