Friday, March 16, 2007
Don't Think Of Pink Elephants
I'm a little troubled. Here we are a mere 20 months away from the next presidential election and I am still not 100% sure: who's fault is everything?

You know what I mean. In 2004, everything was the fault of the gays. They wanted to get married, which meant traditional families were threatened, which in turn made gas cost more, flavor left all food and God sent a hurricane to destroy New Orleans.

But that threat has mostly been dealt with; considering the overall lack of interest as a front-burner issue, I can only assume all the gay people have left and/or are no longer interested in their own civil rights.

I did appreciate General Peter Pace's attempt to make us all feel better again by revisiting the issue, but really, when the only person who comes out in support of your position is Sam Brownback, the Ted McGinley of the Republican field of contenders, well, I think you know the shark has been well and truly jumped.

Immigrants kind of worked for a while (they're expensive! they are brown! they are politically defenseless!) but then they started putting e coli in the spinach and onions we were asking them to pick and we learned our lessons there. Nobody wants salmonella on their grapes.

Where are the commies when you need them? I'll tell you where they are: they're being adopted by Angelina Jolie. I mean, even the chances that that kid grows up to become a sleeper agent deep within the megacelebrity infrastructure at the heart of our country aren't very good anymore.

They are trying right now with the subprime lending stuff, but that really feels like a late-winter "Shark Attack!" type story to me. You can't even really put it on the cover of a magazine. Until they get some kind of spokescharacter to help brand that idea, I'm just not on board. Maybe a cool zombie rising from the grave, slowly limping toward unsuspecting victims, his arms heavy, flesh rotted away to show sinew and bone underneath, a deep, steady moan as he pounces on his victims and forces them to accept variable interest rates on long-term loans that will eventually require a significant raise in the lending APR.

See? No legs. No zazz.

I don't know what this says exactly, but I would say that as of this second, right now the only clear enemy all of America has?

Harriet Miers.

For the second time in a year she has risen to become the bĂȘte-noir of American politics, the Bush Administration in general.

See, she already established her bona fides as a worthy adversary whe she was introduced in her first appearance in the famous "Case of the Dead Chief Justice" where she turned out to be cagily and dastardly totally underqualified for the job to which she was nominated. And in public! Somebody well worth our scorn as Public Enemy #1.

And now it turns out she was the sole mastermind behind the latest episode, this "Case of the Stuff that Happened That I Really Don't Understand". US Attorneys! People getting fired! E-mails! Karl Rove!

I don't know what she made the president and the Attorney-General do against their will, but the press sure covers it a lot, so it must be so so bad.

How long before she is an affront to the traditional family and a threat to the tastiness of food?

2008 will come down to one issue: what does each candidate think of Harriet Miers? The leadership of the Free World will hang in their answers.

Unless they are Sam Brownback.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 7.1




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