Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Angry Little Man
Dear Potential Campus/Workplace Rampage Shooters,


If you're reading this, that's already a good sign. It means you're not already at the cross-eyed, teeth-clenched, no-going-back stage. Sure, you're probably loading magazines or oiling disassembled gun components as you read this, but you're here which means you're either looking for some light entertainment or were merely misdirected here by Google while looking for (judging by common results) candy in bulk (a "bucket" of "Blow Pops" for example) or perhaps Brad Pitt's dick. Or maybe both, although if you are looking for both simultaneously, maybe it's something you should have your therapist help you parse out.

Oh and also? Please get a therapist.

Before you walk out and put into motion your final plan of revenge against people you don't know but you hate anyway because they aren't a fucked-up sinkhole of shame and inadequacy like you are, consider the results of yesterday's action. What conclusions will people reach about you?

Thirty-three people dead is too many. Too many, that is, by exactly 32. The news blurbs (always charmingly rote) all contain some variation of the phrase "...murdered [x number] of people and injured [x number more] before turning the gun on himself." The conclusion inferred is obvious: all these rampage shooting types are clearly dyslexic.

They always get the order of operations backward. If you're feeling low, the proper sequence is to shoot yourself in the face first, then go out and try to shoot a bunch more people. Not only is it more socially conscientious, but think of the challenge! It's not hard to shoot randomly into a phalanx of unarmed, unsuspecting people, you pussy. Try doing that with most of the back of your own head missing! Sure, you'll get your name in the newspaper either way, but if you shoot the innocent people first, you're risking a markedly disproportionate number of Disfavorables underneath your Name Recognition poll numbers.

And yes, OK, being honest, if you still kill people after shooting yourself, you'll still be reviled. But at least there will be a sense within the news-consuming audience of "well, OK, fair play at least, he took the first bullet." Or, best case, the MSNBC people will play up the potential zombie angle with all kinds of baseless conjecture and Chyron-graphic-supported hysteria and then Robert Rodriguez will make a movie about you.

And also, just in case you were wondering, shooting up a school doesn't make you patriotic. I know al Qaeda says that Iraq is now a "university of terror", which is stupid. But the proper response is not to say "no thanks, Habib, this is how you make a University of Terror!" and then terrorize a university.

First of all, just a touch literal.

Secondly, if you want to help, join the Army. They'll let you shoot all the people you want. You might even get a medal for it if you shoot the right ones! Plus the guns are free and you get paid. If you're worried your little mental condition might disqualify you, I'd say you'd have been right to worry about four years ago, but now...

Sure, if you're a raging sociopath, it will be just as tough socially for you in the Army as whatever school it is you go to now, but at least if you get ideas about shooting at your colleagues there, they're also armed. Again, it all comes back to fair play.

Just something to think about.

Also: the medication is not optional. Take it. Or if it's really getting to you, take two dozen. More helps.

God bless.




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