Sunday, April 01, 2007
Cousin Oliver
Help me out here.

When you see the headline Family Ties' Youngest Busted for Assault, what do you immediately think?

"Oh shit, Tina Yothers finally broke out and fucked someone up!"

Not just me, right?

But I click on the link and it's a picture of... some dude. I look at it and I'm all "Who the fuck is that dude? Oh shit, Tina Yothers finally broke out and underwent total gender reassignment surgery!"

So I was, like, totally sold on that story as a blog premise. This was clearly the most mind-boggling Family Ties-related news since Mallory was the headliner--the headliner--in that movie she was in that also starred Julia Roberts and Liam Neeson.

But no, it turns out that there was some goddamn kid who was added to the show right at the end of the run, the way shows will do when they're running out of steam. Same thing they did on The Cosby Show after Rudy got old and ugly and on Growing Pains when little Ben got old and ugly. Nothing ruins cherubic adorability like some puberty. It's a short step from sassy precociousness to a throbbing, angular, transluscent horror-show virtually indistinguishable from Spock when he was on the Genesis planet. You remember.

So a show either has to add a new cute kid and/or Ted McGinley. As far as I know, only Happy Days and Married... with Children ever attempted both. The resulting 1980s Ethiopian famine should be enough to dissuade others from trying.

The reality is: someone I never heard of got arrested for some sadly unremarkable act of predictable despicability. I guess I could say that I learned the lesson that dousing your significant other in alcohol while they sleep and then applying a "choke hold" to them subsequently are bad things to do, but you know what, I kind of had an inkling already.

I am surprised to find out that this kid is, in fact, NOT Marilyn Manson. There were no accusations of blood-drinking, put-on androgyny or contact-lens mishaps in this story. So Bonsall is clear. That means I'm back to square one trying to figure out if he's Paul from Wonder Years, Wesley from Mr. Belvedere or my own personal dark-horse, Soleil Moon Frye.

Tell me I'm wrong:

A skosh more lipstick, maybe a little heavier with the pancake, punch her in the eye once to get that Petey from The Little Rascals look... Yes? No? Just me?

OK, not even me. I should be more careful. This is how internet rumors get started. But only if you readers tell EVERYONE YOU KNOW.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 4.7




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