Sunday, May 20, 2007
Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough
There are two principle reasons why I don't immediately run out and become a Jehovah's Witness.

The first, obviously, is the association with Michael Jackson. As a white man, I run the risk of being confused with him already. That's enough for me. The chances of us being mistaken for one another aren't huge seeing as I have a human nose and a chin that will not melt in temperatures over 80° Fahrenheit, but anything that increases those chances is enough to give me pause. Part of the unease is, yes, the pederasty business. Very nasty. But mostly I don't want any of his creditors coming after me by mistake. He's been spending time--and presumably borrowing money--from people in the Middle East. That's hand-severing country.

The second reason I don't run out and join the Jehovah's Witnesses is that, while I may seem to be a forthright, bold, even heroic figure here in anonymous print, in person I'm quite shy. Walking around knocking on the doors of people I don't know in an effort to talk them into something they most expressly do not want is not something I would relish. From experience I know that the dreaded knock of the Jehovah's Witness sometimes prompts otherwise well adjusted, socially adept people to dive behind their couches; the only worse, more personally offensive result is when they actually answer the door bearing something blunt and swingable.

I have no great desire to become a social pariah, either by association with the wrong people or out of a persistent, intrusive proselytization that presents deep-seated religious faith in the exact same mode as encyclopedias and home security systems.

Yes, I'm talking to you, annoying ADT representative for the Riverside area. I will not be worn down by your dogged pursuit of my patronage. If I'm not going to take the authentic Jesus, what makes you think I'm going to accept your free installation and reasonable monitoring fees?

But oh... Jehovah's Witnesses... after five children's birthday parties (including all three of my own) in the last six weeks, I am so nearly, nearly ready to join you, the Least Fun of All The Religions. No birthdays, no Thanksgiving, no pagan-ass Christmas. If it just weren't for those other things... I could envision a future of sleeping in and never, ever buying another Bionicle toy, but then I wonder: how soon do you make your people get up to go door-to-door-ing anyway? And with no birthdays nor any Christmas, wouldn't my kids just want Bionicles every single day of the year?

Nah, it's no good. I guess another option is to forsake organized religion altogether, but then I don't know if I'm comfortable with the position of not having a horse in the race, metaphysically speaking. I figure even if it's the Hindus that have it right, I have to get some credit for believing something and maybe I won't necessarily come back as a tapeworm.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 7.2




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