Wednesday, May 16, 2007
I have heard it explained more than once that the definition of genius is the ability to embrace simultaneously two completely contradictory ideas. This explains Albert Einstein's shocking and still-celebrated ability to appreciate all the beneficial aspects of Lite Beer.

It is also proof-positive that America has lost one of its brightest lights when Jerry Falwell was extinguished yesterday. After all, this was a man who devoted his entire life to the works and teachings of Jesus Christ--exemplar of charity and mercy and compassion and (above all) care for the least among us--and also owned a helicopter. Talk about your contradictory ideas. I have to say, I've had the "What Would Jesus Do?" question put to me many, many times and not once have I come up with "horde enough money to buy, fuel and maintain a helicopter". The level of genius required to reconcile those two positions must have been staggering.

AND Jerry was a big giant fat guy. Again, not so Jesus-y, if we're talking about general concepts.

Look, any idiot could have been St. Francis of Assisi. Jesus says: give up everything you have, spread my message, minister to the destitute and the sick and the lame, put aside earthly rewards and you will reap untold riches in the Kingdom of Heaven. And then what does Francis of Assisi do? Just that. Walks around all poor and barefoot, begging and scraping and tending to those on the suffering margins, exactly as Jesus said. What a tool. No imagination, that guy. He's like a Jesus robot: input instructions, follow instructions, no deviation, no originality, no genius.

And what did Francis of Assisi get for his trouble? Probably really smelly, first of all. And some kind of disgusting eye disease, I heard. And then, finally, he got made a saint. But only after he was dead. But then he was a Catholic, so the spiritual joke is probably on him as he rots in hell with all the surprised suicide bombers, Jews, gays and Madalyn Murray O'Hair.

Jerry Falwell took this Jesus thing and turned it into something new, something exciting, something different. Like Newton when the apple fell on his head, sparking in him the flame of revealed truth in the form of all modern physics (and the idea that one should be more careful about where you sit), Jerry Falwell sat under the Jesus tree and was struck on the head by a giant bag full of money and then probably some kind of pot pie.

Like Francis of Assisi, Jerry did give, however. He gave us the gay Teletubby and the irrefutable evidence that Bill Clinton was both a cocaine drug lord and a murderer. Big stuff. Much more socially important than aid and succor to lepers and widows, or at least it is when you factor in 24-hour cable news channels. Who wants to see pictures of lepers? Gross.

And after all this, a life of service, he is stolen from us too soon at the age of 73. This has to be someone's fault. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say: you helped this happen.

So, you know, thanks for nothing, abortionists. Way to fuck up America. Again.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 2.1




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