Friday, May 11, 2007
Movies I Have No Intention Of Seeing, #45

Delta Farce

starring Dan "Larry the Cable Guy" Whitney, Bill Engvall, DJ Qualls

directed by C.B. Harding (The Blue Collar Comedy Tour, other things that are stupid)

I don't have a great deal to say about this film other than the studio declined to screen it for critics before its release, which is always a sign of greatness.

I would also like to say that, just from a conceptual standpoint, I don't know that America is ready for a blatant rip-off modern-day update of ¡Three Amigos!, emotionally speaking, especially if you're not going to include the classic "My Little Buttercup" scene. Bring it all or don't bother, is what I say.

Lastly, I would like to point out that this movie has producers, a budget, a full crew, actors, extras, craft services, professionally trained sound designers and film editors and (this is the most disturbing part) credited writers. I mean, I've only seen the trailers, but you know the entire pitch was "Larry the Cable Guy in the Army". Ho ho ha ha ho ho! Can't miss with the extra-chromosome set! Throw some ole dialogue in there to carry the thing along to 70 minutes of running time, tack a gag-reel on the end credits to stretch it feature length and viola! Yes, that's what those people say, they say "viola". Because "voila" is French and therefore terrorist-loving and gay.

Writers got paid money to cobble this shit together. And here I am, me and a thousand other more qualified people, laboring away in blog anonymity. I'm not saying that if I were put in charge of a Larry the Cable Guy in the Army movie that I'd necessarily do a whole lot better (consider the source material!), I'm just saying I wouldn't mind the option of selling out what meager ability I might have in exchage for some good ole fashion filthy Hollywood lucre. How hard could it be? Fart joke, gay joke, Mexican joke, repeat forty times, the end. My soul is negotiable too.

I don't know what's more depressing, that people greenlit this film at all or that I was not allowed to be part of it. I guess I should just thank my lucky stars and move on.

Motivated by a heady mixture of apathy, jealousy and a base-level cognitive ability to reason, I must rate this one with the dreaded:


Which everyone knows by now means ZERO.

When someone pitches "Larry the Cable Guy as a social worker" movie, I had better get a call or I'll be forced to abuse my tastemaking powers here once again. All I'm saying.




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