It's Sunday And I'm Alone
As a Catholic, I'm sure you're all wondering what I think about the death of the Pope. Here's a synopsis of my Sunday morning to give you an idea:

My wife was out of town again, this time to Palm Springs for another bachelorette weekend with her other friend who's about to get married. So it was just me and the kids. I was in a pretty dark mood this morning as I got the kids ready--working on one less hour of sleep than necessary... fuck you, Ben Franklin--to schlep off to church. I was anticipating a mob-scene as all the Holiday Catholics swarmed the parishes for one day to make themselves feel connected or whatever. When I saw the TV news truck in the church parking lot as I drove up, I was not encouraged.

But then I noticed how easy it was to park. Turns out the Holiday Catholics had shot their bolt on Easter and didn't have it in them to make three trips to church per year, so I'm sure they stayed home in mindful prayer of our fallen leader while watching the women's NCAA semifinals in their underwear.

I made it inside the parish hall where the babysitting/Sunday school classes are held only to be told that the child-care services were cancelled for the day for some kind of pre-scheduled non-helpful-to-Pops churchy event I didn't care enough to ask about.

So we left. Not just the hall, I mean we went home. No point in church-attending if I have to take three kids. Not sure what I mean? It's just like taking three kids to the movies. Or shopping. Or to visit relatives. Basically this is why people with kids sit at home doing nothing. Then you can let them scream and run all they want and the shit they break doesn't belong to Regal Cinema or Aunt Beth or Jesus. It's just our old crap and our old eardrums and our old patience.

On the drive back, I did think "So this is what I think of the Pope... not worth the inconvenience". All this after learning from cable news that he--apparently--toppled communism all by himself by strangling Stalin to death with his bare hands. Something like that. I really am a faithless, ungrateful bastard.

So I'll say it here publicly then as atonement: thanks, Pope. I pray MSNBC's Headliners and Legends does a bang-up job on their Pope feature when you get made a saint.

...

Anyway, my wife was out of town. Because I was cursed by a gypsy woman when I was born, the fancy Opening Day ceremony at my kid's Little League got rearranged to this weekend because of rain a few weeks ago.

Arrive at 7:30 am. Parade of the teams at 8:00 (ceremony to follow), pictures at 10:00, T-ball game at 11:00. So spent all day in the sun, me and my oldest, 6 hours all told. I have two things I'd like to say.

1) Regarding the Opening Ceremony: when did Little League become a Jesus Boosters Organization? I swear they invoked God like 10 times during the Opening Ceremony speeches and pledges. Jesus was a lot of things, but a baseball fan? I always thought he'd be more a tennis guy. I don't know why, he just seems like the type.

Insult to injury, they made some poor girl sing the awful, awful Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA song, which is the second worst song ever (after Bullet with Butterfly Wings by Smashing Pumpkins, which is saying something). That Lee Greenwood song deserves a whole Fuck You post, which I am considering.

And mad props to the 50 year old dude who went all Boyz II Men on the National Anthem. You rocked, sir.

2) Every team made a banner with the name of the team and all the player's names on them in various levels of putrid-cute.

Looking at those banners, I noticed something. I am inspired and since I have this forum, I would like to say this to the people of America: STOP NAMING YOUR CHILDREN JADEN.

Stop it.

This also goes for Jayden, Jadon and Jaydon. There are other annoying names out there (Hayden, Braden, Caden, etc.), but this one is particularly out of control as it is unchecked by gender. Boys are named Jaden, girls are named Jaden (or probably "Jaydenne" or some shit), fucking Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf named their kid Jaden, and one of those people are foreign. We have to stop it before it spreads to the rest of the world. English people already make fun of us for "Randy". Let's just all agree to not do this to ourselves, OK?

If you feel like you need to name your son Jaden, please consider Jason. It sounds a lot like it, but it's also got that cool "and the Argonauts" connection, just like that movie. Who doesn't agree that stop-motion animation is awesome? No one.

And if you have to name your daughter Jaden, please consider sterilization.

I have more to say about baby names, but Deadwood is on. I have to go and allow myself to be flummoxed by the abuse of the language I allegedly speak. With the exception of Trixie, at least everyone on that show has a sensible name.


This post on the Narcissus Scale: 9.975


Pops
- posted by Pops @ 9:24 PM