Movies I Have No Intention Of Seeing, #21



Jarhead

starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Jamie Foxx, Peter Sarsgaard

directed by Sam Mendes (American Beauty, Road to Perdition, Kate Winslet's reproductive organs)

I had an eye-doctor appointment this morning (he strongly suggested I curtail the masturbation) and then my oldest has only a half day of school today. This means I have had much less time to prepare this feature than usual. I predict no discernible difference in quality.

My quick impression is as follows: Gyllenhaal, Foxx, Sarsgaard. What's with all the double-letters? If only the movie had included Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, we would have had a Scrabble World All-Star Cast.

In looking up that dude's name just now, you know what I found out? He's got a master's degree in Law from the University of London. Seriously, Adebisi from Oz is like an English lawyer or something. Does that seem wrong to anyone else? He's obviously a much better actor than I ever gave him credit for.

What I also learned from his IMDb biography: Born on the same day as Alice in Chains singer Layne Staley.

What is the matter with people? Why in God's name would anyone think to put a Layne Staley reference in this man's biography? This is the problem with things like IMDb and Wikipedia, where they let just any ole body throw in information. I'm surprised we didn't get a listing of how you say his name in Klingon. Stupid internets.

I'm kind of excited about this film because of the director, Sam Mendes. For such a short (thus far) career, he's got quite a stunning list of accomplishments. Jane Horrocks, Calista Flockhart, Rachel Weisz (nnngaaah!) and now Kate Winslet. He's an OK looking guy I guess, but man, those last two especially... well done, Sam. He looks kind of doughy, little extra-chin action, weird hair... the only thing I can figure is that he's world-class in the sack and not afraid to talk about it. Because what's the point of having a gift if no one knows about it?

That's why I started blogging. To share my gift for metaphors with the world. It's kind of like... something, I don't know what.

Apparently all the people in the movie are just fine, but it's a war movie with a) no fighting and b) no political message. No flags are either waved nor burnt, from what I've read.

So what is the point of this film, then? Jake Gyllenhaal stripped to the waist in the desert, I guess.

As a final point, I'm very happy I found that picture linked in the previous sentence at the website "classichunkofman.com". It's going to make for an interesting conversation when my wife is trying to look for classmates.com and the browser auto-finishes the word for her.

So there you have it. Zero preparation and I still managed to bang together something of this quality. Obviously I've been working much too hard at this blogging thing.

So to sum up: good cast, great director, compelling war setting, Kate Winslet naked (not in the movie, I mean at home with Mr. Mendes).

Negatives: war movie, but no explosions? All-dude cast; total sausagefest. I'm sensing some kind of subtle homosexual subtext. Did I say these were the negative points?

Since my mind (not to mention the California Three Strikes law) cannot cope with the traumatic idea of half a babysitter, I'm going to have to choose between one and two. What will the deciding factor be?

It's got to be Rachel Weisz. See the picture posted back on this post if you have any doubts. Instead of being jealous, I'm going to congratulate my colleague in doughy chinless-ness and award his film with:

Two (out of 3) on the Hot Babysitter Scale.



Pops
- posted by Pops @ 11:02 AM