Friday, December 30, 2005
Another Year In The Bucket
Well. Here we are. Another year gone. Where has all the time gone? If it's smart, it's gone to Malaysia or Indonesia or any of those other regions that were under tsunami water this time last year. The room rates have been drastically reduced and the hash is practically free. The pool boys have all lowered their standards and will now have sex with anyone regardless of their personal wealth. They're starving. Now's your chance, people.
That said, let's get to it. What happened this year? Lots of stuff. But only the best of the best of the stuff I happened to accidentally see was worthy to make it into the Bucket over this my first full year of operation. Immortality is a fickle, fickle bitch.
Crippling post-election, post-holiday, post-tsunami funk. I don't know if it's the depression or what, but when I go back and read my posts from that time, they're all self-important and insincere and loaded down with lame juvenile jokes. I'm sure it's just a phase.
Johnny Carson died. Condoleeza Rice was confirmed as the second female and second African-American Secretary of State. Also, sadly for her, only the second Secretary of State to be possibly sleeping with the president. Everyone knows Lincoln was boning William Seward.
I learn to integrate photos into my blogposts. You would have thought this development would have cut into my verbosity.
Post of the Month: So You Want To Be A Blogger.
Rain and stuff in SoCal causing mudslides in which everyone dies. Except the Pope, who goes back into the hospital just to fuck with us one more time. Super Bowl XXXIX is the highest numbered ever, although I don't like it's prospects for retaining that title following the 2006 version coming up. Apparently nothing else happened of any interest to anyone but me OR I was caught in some kind of self-reference cycle while thinking of blogposting. I was probably still trying to purge the politics from my system. Also: a midget cut my hair.
Post of the Month: Just A Little Off The Top
Terry Schiavo rises and falls. OK, she didn't "rise" so much, but she did seriously spike her TVQ rating. The Pope keeps dragging out his "oh, I'm so sick" act. Martha Stewart is released from prison after she promises never to kill again. From what I can tell from my posts, nothing else happened for the whole month. And yet somehow I posted 6 days per week. Coincidentally, the Movies I Have No Intention Of Seeing series also debuts this month, filling up what would otherwise be criminally neglected Friday blogspace. You are welcome.
Post of the Month: Help Bucket
The Pope finally stops screwing around and dies already and is replaced by a cranky martinet in red satin slippers. Prince Rainier of Monaco also dies, managing to do it in total obscurity. I realize Matthew McConaughey sucks. I also get a link from big-time blog semi-fatcat TBogg which brings in over 850 visits in one day, nearly all of which are immediately scared off.
Post of the Month: Exit With Grace
The last Star Wars movie came out. I remember nothing else.
Post of the Month: It's A Schmaltz, Schmaltz World
Deep Throat revealed! I lose money as I had Linda Lovelace in the pool. I mean, it just seemed so obvious, like a hide-in-plain-site thing. I go on vacation and your worlds cease to spin. I shudder to think what might have happened if I had chosen never to return. Best not to contemplate.
Post of the Month: Master Of Delusion
The London Underground gets bombed by assholes. I know the PC term is "Islamofascists", but I prefer "assholes". It's sort of on-the-nose, I know, but it's so much easier to spell. The combination of my blog's first birthday and the release of Harry Potter 6 make us all forget about the horror within two or three news cycles. Who says a short attention span is a bad thing? What was I saying?
Post of the Month: Thunderdick
New Orleans kind of sort of disappears, but you'd hardly notice because I have more posts devoted to the release of the Dukes of Hazzard movie. Which I still have not seen. Something is horribly, horribly wrong with me. I did get e-mail calling me an asshole for the posts I did write about Hurricane Katrina, so it's all about quality over quantity.
Post of the Month: The Blue And The Red
The long, dark night of America's soul continues. Everyone suffers. Except Anderson Cooper, who somehow wades armpit-deep through a frothy chum made of human waste and dead bodies and comes out smelling like Edward R. Murrow. To honor me, the next major hurricane is named after one of my readers. Typically, it then fails to destroy the world, as promised.
Post of the Month: Answer Man
George Bush appoints the former head of the American Shetland Pony Exhibitors Association And Clambake to the Supreme Court. Is that right? That doesn't sound right. Anyway, she quit. The few of us who survived the mudslides back in February are all mercifully killed off by bird flu. And yet somehow I keep posting.
Post of the Month: Car Alarm
I buy my first-ever drink at a Starbucks. Readers tell me I'm gay. I insist that I am not, and then I undo all my hard work denials by spending a whole post talking about the People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive. I am my own worst enemy. Also: lots of personal sharing this month. You people have finally convinced me to let my guard down. I suspect roofies.
Post of the Month: Sting Of Retribution
Saturday Night Live finally comes after me personally. In response I flail madly, ineptly and (ultimately) to myself in the way only bloggers can. Brokeback Mountain is released and I show an inordinate amount of interest until even I am uncomfortable. Not only do I get to draw funny cartoons this month, but I also get an e-mail from someone who claims they are the offspring of a famous person whom I (sort of) offended in a comment over on SJ's Famous Blog. A banner month all around.
Post of the Month: 100 Things About Me
You thought I was going to say this one, didn't you? What kind of a raging narcissist would I have to be to claim this post I just wrote was great?
Oh yes. Point taken.
Well. Now that's all done. It's been quite a year. From my peak readership thanks to a gift link back in April, readership continues to grow... until about July. Then it starts to slowly, slowly decline as I drive readers away through what I assume must be bloody attrition.
I'm looking forward to next year when I either become the biggest blogger ever or manage to alienate the rest of you en masse, probably by the pretentious use of italicized French words. I don't know about you, but I can't wait to find out which it will be.
Either in triumph or in death, I hereby proclaim 2006 to be the Year of the Bucket. Write it down.
See y'all on the other side.